Selfish
by salianne
Summary: The day of the move to LA.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Selfish  
Author: Salianne  
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: ~2600  
Summary: The day of the move to LA.  
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.

It was something he was not familiar with. For as long as he can remember – he's been the one who sacrificed. Jeannie always seemed to need so much. Even as a little kid, Jeannie was demanding and only thought of herself.

Now that she had a child of her own – it was like her world view only got **smaller**.

He just didn't get it.

But that was Jeannie and he loved her for no other reason than he was **supposed** to love her. She was his sister. And once Cody came into the world…well…what could he do – he was stuck with her whether he loved her or not so he might as well focus on the brotherly-love-part and try to make life with Jeannie as bearable as possible.

Mom would have expected nothing less from him, after all.

_Mom. _

These days he found himself wondering more and more often what the hell she was thinking when she married Dad. _He was so out of her league._

_Sort of like I'm out of Shaun's league?_

He couldn't stop asking himself the question: What was Shaun thinking? _Shaun is the shit and I'm just…not. _

He tried to shake off the feeling of worthlessness and put another handful of his crap into a box.

Looking at the contents wasn't helpful.

Not in the least.

All of his stuff was…well…crap. It was either old or weathered or cheap. Most of his clothes were either splattered with paint or threadbare from salty air and over-use. He didn't own pants that didn't have holes in them. His shoes were…gross.

The nicest thing he owned was his wetsuit. _Some things are worth the investment._

It was lost on him that Shaun felt the exact same way about him. Shaun knew that Zach…Zach AND Cody….were worth everything. It made no sense to him – none at all.

It had been so long since he felt loved – truly loved – for no other reason than because he existed. He wasn't sure how to accept it as real. In his whole life – it was only his mother who ever looked at him with eyes that melted him a little from the unconditional that was never far from the surface.

Until Shaun.

How was he supposed to wrap his head around that?

He wove the flaps of the box together and stacked it on top of the pile next to the front door of the tiny house that still felt like a prison he was escaping. Shaun appeared in the doorway to grab another load and smiled at him.

"Hey. You O.K.?" Shaun asked.

"Yeah." Shaun's never ending concern still left him feeling a little unbalanced. "Where's Codes?"

"He's busy trying to be like his favorite uncle." Shaun smiled before running his thumb across the stubble along his jaw. "He's in my truck drawing a picture of the house. He says he doesn't want to forget what it looks like."

"I'm his only uncle, you know…"

"That doesn't make you any less amazing in his eyes." Shaun tilted his head and grabbed a handful of short hair playfully. "Or mine."

_God_. He didn't know what to do with that. He nudged Shaun's chest with his palm and ducked his eyes shyly. "Shut up."

"I'll keep saying it until you believe it." Shaun pulled his head closer until their lips met in a soft kiss that promised so much more. "You about ready?"

He kept his eyes closed for a few second to let it all sink in. The feeling of Shaun's fingers wrapped around his head - the feeling of the lingering warmth on his lips from Shaun's kiss - the flavor of Shaun's breath and the way his voice left his chest aching a little – it was all just so much to absorb. When he finally opened his eyes he found himself looking into his lover's smirking face. "What?"

"Nothing." Shaun chuckled. "You want to grab those?" He pointed to the last two boxes before he picked up the two that were stacked on top of them and stepped toward the truck. "Let's go, Babe."

He picked up the boxes and turned to take one last look at the life he was leaving behind. _This is it. _He stepped out, closed and locked the beat-up door for the last time, and walked toward his future. Once he dropped his load into the back of the truck he turned to face Shaun. "Are you sure about this?"

"Zach..." Shaun sighed.

"I'm serious Shaun…" He interrupted. "…it's a lot of responsibility. I mean, it's not just me – it's Cody and Jeannie's no picnic and who knows what kind of trouble she'll find in Oregon. I don't even have a job and there's…"

"Zach."

"What!" He hated how loud it came out.

Before he could figure out a way to apologize for almost yelling he felt Shaun's arms snake around his waist. Once he allowed himself to be pulled into a full-body embrace he felt Shaun's words float across the shell of his ear. "Maybe I didn't make myself clear last night. I love you. I love Cody. And I'm sure."

He laughed more to relieve himself from the stress of his guilt. "You mean before Cody crawled into the bed between us and ruined the moment?"

"Hey!" Shaun spoke in a tone that was meant to be taken very seriously. "He didn't ruin anything. The poor kid was scared and sad. The little guy had just watched his Mom drive away and leave him behind. I was really happy that he felt comfortable enough with me to count on me to help make it better. Besides, we are going to have many, many, MANY moments."

_This isn't real._ "Promise?" He asked in a flirty way, hoping to break some of the tension he had created.

"Oh yeah." Shaun kissed him. A serious kiss this time. A kiss that reiterated that promise in no uncertain terms. "Now get your beautiful ass into that truck and let's go."

"I'm stopping to see my Dad, remember?" He asked with an edge – feeling like he had already asked for way too much for one day. "I'll just meet you at your place. Don't unload without me."

"**Our** place and I'll pick up dinner." Shaun said before giving him a final kiss and opening the door of his own truck. He had Cody's bed strapped to the roof and he tightened the ropes before he climbed in.

"Cody! Let's go say goodbye to Grampa." He said through Shaun's open door.

Cody looked up from the notebook he had borrowed from Shaun's backpack and almost whined. "I want to go with Shaun."

"Codes! We don't know when we'll see Grampa again – don't you want to say goodbye?"

"I want to go with Shaun." Cody sounded adamant.

He looked at Shaun. Shaun shrugged and smiled weakly. "You heard him."

"Fine." He sighed. He actually couldn't blame the kid for not feeling too much for the old man. It wasn't like his dad had made any effort to be even remotely kind. Just thinking about it made his eyes well up from the fact that Cody would never know how wonderful his grandmother was. "I'll catch up with you guys later."

~*~

It only took a few minutes to say goodbye. Between the meds and the general apathy that was just his father – there wasn't a lot to say. He told him that he was taking Cody to live in LA. He dad asked why and that's when he realized that Jeannie hadn't told their father what was going on. This left it up to him to tell the old man that BOTH of his children were moving away.

_Bitch._

He reassured his father that he wouldn't be too far and he would come back to visit as often as possible.

His dad told him not to bother.

He wasn't surprised.

He swallowed hard before he told his dad about Shaun. He wasn't sure what to expect – except that he expected it to be bad.

"I warned your mother not to coddle you."

And that was it. _He can't even look at me._

He walked away thinking that if he's gay because of his mother – then he was sure being gay was a really good thing to be.

Because before she died, his mother was the best thing in his life – the only good he ever had.

Until Cody.

And Shaun.

He drove fast.

~*~

When he pulled up to the apartment complex he checked his map-quest to make sure he put in the right address.

The place was spectacular.

It wasn't an apartment complex at all. It was a rather stunning complex of condos with a view of the ocean.

And Malibu wasn't exactly LA.

_Shit._

He pulled into a parking space across from the open garage door that belonged to the condo he would be living in with Shaun. He noticed that Shaun's truck was already unloaded – including the twin bed that had been strapped to the roof. He closed his eyes and gripped the steering wheel until his fingers ached. _How am I going to ever be able to afford this?_

"Uncle Zach!!" Cody was obviously excited.

He opened his eyes right before Cody opened his door and grabbed his arm to pull him out of the truck. "Come see my room!!"

"Hey Buddy!" He tried to hide his panic-attack. "You already have your room set up?"

"I have a closet and a dresser and a desk!" Cody spoke fast. "And my bed has Batman sheets and TWO pillows!!"

"Really?" He looked up to see Shaun standing at the door of the garage with his hands in his pockets. "Where did you get all of that stuff, Codes?"

"Shaun said it's mine now!" Cody explained.

"He did?" He asked Cody but looked right at Shaun. "Where did Shaun get it?"

Cody pulled on his arm, "Come on!"

Cody pulled him though the garage and into a bright kitchen with marble counters and stainless steel appliances. The kitchen opened into a great room that was furnished with leather and rich woods. There was a fireplace and French doors that led to very large patio over-looking the ocean. He was pulled through this room too fast to take in any more of the details and into a hallway that led to three bedrooms. Cody's room was the last door on the left. The room was painted blue and was furnished with a matching oak bedroom suite that was designed with kids in mind. Everything was low profile and looked like it was easy to keep clean. His closet was huge and Cody had his own bathroom.

"Wow." He gasped. "Codes…this is…really…"

"Cool!!" Cody squealed.

"Yeah." He said and tried his best not to cry.

"Hey Cody, why don't you go hop into the bathtub. It's getting late." Shaun said from behind him. "I left bubble bath in there for you."

"Cool!" Cody said before he disappeared into the bathroom.

He felt Shaun's arms wrap around him before warm lips pressed against the back of his neck. "You look overwhelmed."

"God, Shaun…" His voice was shaky. "…I can't afford this."

"I was planning on living here anyway…"

He spun around in the circle of Shaun's arms. "It doesn't matter. I can't expect you to take care of me…of _**us**_…and I can't afford a place like this – not even with a roommate."

"I'm not your roommate." Shaun corrected.

"Shaun…"

"Please, Zach. Can we save this for later? Please?" Shaun kissed his nose. "I just want to enjoy our first night here. We'll figure it all out later. O.K.?"

"Can I make it bubbly?" Cody yelled from the bathroom.

"Just push the white button next to the faucet." Shaun yelled back.

He heard the distinct sound of Jacuzzi jets. He rolled his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me…"

"He was very excited about the bubble-maker in the bathtub." Shaun smirked.

He smacked his forehead into Shaun's chest. "Oh. My. God."

Shaun chuckled and squeezed him tighter. "Let's get you fed. Cody and I ate already."

~*~

A few hours later he found himself buried under cool sheets, surrounded by no less than ten down-pillows. The giant bed felt like a cloud and was perched in the center of a room that was mostly windows and looked out onto mostly ocean. It was the most amazing view he could have ever imagined and the moonlight that filled the room only made it more so.

He felt really tired. He closed his eyes and let himself feel the mixed up emotions he had been battling all day. It felt like he had stepped into an alternate universe.

Soon he felt Shaun crawling between the sheets, his warm body felt comforting as it wrapped around him. "He's asleep."

"I can't believe he fell asleep here. He hates new places."

"It doesn't feel like a new place to him." Shaun explained. "He said he likes having his own room."

He opened his eyes and looked into Shaun's. "He never liked his own room before."

Shaun smiled. "That should tell you something."

And in the way that only Shaun can – he nailed it.

It did tell him something. Cody felt safe. Safer than he had ever felt in his entire short life. And it was because of the man who was laying close enough to smell.

_And he smells so fucking good._

"Do you think I'm selfish?" _Because I feel really fucking selfish._

He wasn't sure how it was possible, but Shaun managed to get even closer. His body was halfway on top of him and the weight felt reassuring. He felt Shaun's fingers lightly brushing tears from his cheeks.

He hadn't realized he had started crying.

"You are the least selfish person I know." Shaun reassured him. "You're probably the kindest, most giving human being I've ever met in my life. You always were, Zach. You get that from your mother. You are the best of her. She would be so fucking proud of you."

He was really crying now.

"God, Zach. How can you not know?" Shaun said before kissing him. "I am so happy you're here. I am so happy Cody is here with you. I love you. I love Cody. Do you love me?"

He couldn't speak so he just nodded and cried and felt like an idiot.

Shaun just smiled and kissed him again. "Nothing else matters. We'll figure it all out. Together."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded again.

Shaun positioned himself so there was no space between them. "Good. Now that we've settled that…"

Shaun nudged his nose into the space between his ear and shoulder and he very willingly bared himself for his lover. He felt Shaun's teeth graze the skin of his neck and shuddered. "I missed you so much. Missed this." Shaun said before sucking hard enough to leave a mark.

"God…"

"I'm going to be selfish now, Zach." Shaun whispered into his mouth before he began trailing hot, wet kisses down his chest.

As he felt the divine suction surrounding him, he wondered how he ever thought he could give this up. This man, this feeling, this life that he never in a million years imagined he would have.

Or deserved to have.

Shaun made him almost believe that it was O.K. to take refuge in the shelter of his love.

He still felt selfish – like he was taking so much more than he would ever be able to give…

…but he knew that he would never stop trying.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Selfish (Part 2)

Author: Salianne

Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)

Rating: NC-17

Word Count: ~3560

Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...

Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.

AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

Sundays never meant much to him.

Until Shaun.

For almost four months his Sundays started just like this. He would wake up without the screeching of an alarm and when he opened his eyes to the bright sunlight that poured through a room full of windows he looked at the sleeping face of his...

_...beloved._

He blushed a little as the word echoed inside of his head - inside of his heart. Hell - it was more like a deep-soul kind of thing if he were to be completely honest. He felt a little bit uncomfortable with the way it felt - the word had a pulse that gained strength with each minute of his life with the man who defined the sentiment he still couldn't bring himself to say out loud.

But the truth of it was overwhelming.

_Beloved._

Sundays were beginning to mean everything to him now.

Sleepy Sundays. Slow awakenings. Soft caresses of lips to stubble before the bleariness was even completely cleared from the two pairs of eyes that gazed at each other without restraint.

_Yeah. Sundays pretty much rock._

He scooted a little closer to his lover and reached until his fingers grazed across the exposed skin of Shaun's belly. The sheet had slipped to mid-thigh, leaving him with a nice view of Shaun's morning wood. He smiled wondering if Shaun was thinking of anything - or anyone - in particular. As fingers lightly traced along the peaks and valleys of hips and thighs and the juncture in between, his man stretched and gulped air the way he always did when he first woke up. _Fucking adorable._

"Mornin." Shaun mumbled in his scratchy morning voice.

He loved Shaun's scratchy morning voice. "Morning."

He scooted closer, until he was touching Shaun's sleep-warm skin from head to toe and burrowed his face into Shaun's neck. He still couldn't believe this was his life now.

Shaun cleared a little of the sleepy from his throat and pulled Zach closer with one arm around his shoulder. "Were you copping a feel?"

He slipped his hand around the curve of Shaun's hip to pull him onto his side so they were facing each other in a tangle of arms and legs. "Can you blame me?"

Shaun's smile was breathtaking.

"Wanna make out before we get up to make Sunday-morning-chocolate-chip-pancakes?"

It wasn't really a question and Zach knew it.

He kissed Shaun enthusiastically and didn't even think about morning breath - something he had always been picky about before.

Well - before Shaun.

Shaun suddenly pulled away and held his head in the air with a face that looked curious. "Is he watching...what is that? Chinese cartoons?"

He laughed at the same time that he felt overwhelmingly grateful for this _**comfort**_ that was their home. That was _**them**_. "Korean. He loves watching the Korean station."

"When did that start?" Shaun asked, still wearing a puzzled expression that was now joined by a slight smirk.

"Last week." He answered before kissing Shaun deeply.

"Mmmmmm." Shaun moaned into Zach's mouth. "I like where this is going."

He felt the tumble that he always feels when Shaun's weight moves on top of him. They were both hard and he grabbed two hands-full of Shaun's skinny-ass to pull their heavy cocks even closer. _God._ "Shaun..." His voice was more a gush of air than an actual word.

"You feel so good." Shaun was much more articulate. His fingers combed through Zach's dark, messy hair. "You're so beautiful."

Though the temptation was still there, he didn't say it - _shut up_.

Instead he smiled and teased his morning love-machine. "Pancakes."

Shaun flashed his 'yeah, right' smile before nipping at Zach's Adam's apple. "Give me six minutes and I'll get those pancakes started."

He laughed as he felt Shaun nibbling his way south. "Six? Seriously. You'll need at least...oh fuck..."

It took a little over four.

Zach tasted himself on Shaun's tongue as he kissed him through the after glow. He loved that Shaun could make him come in under five minutes. He could also make it last for hours.

He just loved Shaun, period.

He wrapped himself around his man and sighed contently.

"Aw." Shaun teased while he tightened his hold. "You're cuddly this morning."

"Shut up." He giggled into Shaun's neck.

The door of their room opened with a sudden, loud crash of door knob hitting wall. They both startled and lunged for the sheet to cover themselves while a shrill voice filled the room and shattered the Sunday-morning tradition into a million pieces.

"Do you always have depraved sex while my son watches Jap cartoons?"

"Jeannie?" He could feel his face heat up from embarrassment. He wasn't sure what he was more embarrassed by - Jeannie catching him naked with his lover or Jeannie being _Jeannie_ in front of Shaun. "What are you doing here?"

"It's a good thing I showed up, Zach!" Her eyes were bulging in that way that told her brother everything he needed to know.

_She needs something and doesn't know how to ask._

"What's going on, Jeannie?" He asked cautiously.

"I should be asking you that question. Do you fuck in front of him all the time, Zach?"

He could feel his own muscles go rigid from..._from what exactly? The Jeannie effect. _"What the hell are you talking about, Jeannie?"

He felt a warm hand slide across his tense shoulders and was surprised by how much such a simple gesture soothed him.

"You should call first next time." Shaun's tone was neutral as he clarified boundaries with the seething woman glaring at them from the middle of their room. "Would you mind handing me those shorts you're standing on?"

She didn't move.

"Suit yourself." Shaun crawled out of bed and stepped to where Jeanne stood and pulled his boxers from beneath her left foot. Her eyes bulged again from the shock of seeing Shaun nude. He picked up Zach's sweat pants and stepped to the edge of the bed to hand them over.

"I'm going to go start the pancakes, Babe. You okay in here on your own?" Shaun's thumb soothed Zach's tight jaw as he asked.

He nodded slowly as he freaked out inside. _She's going to ruin everything._ "Shaun. I'm sorry..."

"Shhhh." Shaun kept up the soothing stroking of thumb to tense-jaw. "Don't you dare. Not your fault."

_God. _ "Thanks."

He felt Shaun's warm lips against his forehead and wanted to cry from the fear of losing him. Shaun looked him in the eyes, almost as if he could read his mind. He felt strong fingers squeeze the back of his neck. "I'll get some coffee going too. Why don't you see if your sister would like to join us at the beach later."

With another quick kiss, Shaun turned to leave him with Jeanne. "How many pancakes do you want, Jeanne."

She didn't answer as she glared at him as he passed her to leave.

Once the door was closed, he scrambled to get his pants on. "What the fuck are you doing here, Jeannie?"

"What - I can't come see my son?" She almost accused.

_Damn it._ "Of course you can, but you should have called to let us know. We would have prepared..."

"You mean you wouldn't have been caught with a dick in your mouth?"

"Fuck you, Jeanne!" _Why am I letting her get to me? _

"I need to know that my son isn't being exposed to a depraved lifestyle." She spat back.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" He pulled a shirt over his head and glared at his sister. "You barged into MY bedroom unannounced. You found me laying in MY bed with my partner. That's all. There's nothing depraved about that, Jeanne."

"You were both naked!" She almost screamed.

He couldn't help himself - he rolled his eyes dramatically. "Like you've never been in bed naked with your rotating lineup of men? Cody has lived here for over four months with me and my boyfriend. The SAME boyfriend. Shaun has been like a father to him. Cody has NEVER seen either of us without clothing because we have taught him to respect our privacy and we respect his. We ALL knock on doors. We don't just barge in unannounced. Maybe you should take a lesson from your son."

Her eyes were filled with rage and tears at the same time. "Don't act like you're better than me, Zach! You're NOBODY! Do you think because some old dude lets you live in his fancy house so he can fuck some young stud that you're BETTER than me? At least I work to earn my keep. I make my own fucking way in the world - I don't suck some rich cock to..."

"SHUT UP!" _ I hate you sometimes! _"You don't know SHIT about me and Shaun and out life together. So stop talking about it!"

"I know everything I need..."

"HEY!"

They both turned toward the sound of Shaun's voice. Zach had never heard him yell before. Shaun was standing in the open door of the bedroom. Cody stood behind him, peeking around his hip and looking terrified.

The sight of it was heartbreaking.

Shaun stood there. Glaring at them both.

It felt like he was disappointed and that hurt more than Jeanne's words ever could. "Shaun..."

"Save it, Zach." Shaun snipped. "Come eat your pancakes." Shaun turned his attention to Jeanne before he finished. "BOTH of you."

_Shitshitshitshit. Five minutes with Jeannie and he hates me. Shit. _ He slumped his shoulders and followed his sister out of the room after she grabbed Cody's hand and jerked him away from Shaun. It felt like his whole world was crumbling. Then he felt a strong hand grip his forearm as he passed his lover. The door closed quietly - separating them from the angry woman who had just disrupted utopia. He raised his eyes to look at the only person other than his mother who ever showed him he was worth anything. He expected to see rejection.

Instead he saw nothing but compassion and concern. "Don't let her get to you, Babe. She doesn't know you and she doesn't know us. Okay? You need to stay in control for Cody's sake. We'll let you fall apart later. Deal?"

_God_. He grabbed Shaun's face and kissed him. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Always." Shaun reassured him with a gentle rubbing of fingers to the back of his neck. "Now let's go see what the hell she wants so we can get on with our day."

_We. He said we._ "Okay."

Pancakes were awkward. They all just let Cody fill up the space with the sound of his voice as he relayed every detail of the last four months of his life. Jeanne seemed to be tolerating the ramblings of her son, but she didn't seem to be actually listening. She glared at Shaun while she ate two plates full of the pancakes he cooked for her.

He wasn't sure how to break the tension, so he nervously demolished his pancakes with his fork because he was too upset to eat them.

Cody ate two pancakes and Shaun ate egg whites with fat free cheese.

He loved Shaun's confidence.

He just loved _**Shaun**_.

"We're going to the beach." Shaun announced. "Want to join us?"

_I can't believe he just invited her._

"Love to." She answered defiantly.

_I can't believe she wants to go. _

_Fuck._

"Go suit up, Codes." Shaun said happily just to prove a point.

After a few hours of Jeanne watching Shaun and Zach take turns teaching Cody how to surf, they found themselves sitting on the deck of a little dive on the beach eating fried food and drinking a pitcher of Cody's favorite soda.

Jeanne drank beer.

"What do you want, Jeannie?" He blurted because he didn't know any other way to get it out on the table.

He saw Shaun shift in his seat before he heard him turn his attention to Cody. "Hey Codes, let's go check out the video games."

Once Shaun had Cody out of ear shot, he asked again. "Come on, Jeannie. You didn't come all this way for nothing."

"I told you - I came to see how Cody was..."

"Seriously? Jeanne, you've called him once since you left. You didn't come for Cody." He felt more confident when he saw his sister squirm a little. "So I'll ask you again - what do you want?"

"I need..." She looked at the napkin she was shredding in her hands. "I'm in a little trouble."

"What do you need?"

"I...I'm...it's just that...Alan doesn't like kids..."

"I get that, Jeanne..." He couldn't help sounding bitter. "...this would be why Cody is with me."

He was surprised to see her flinch a little.

"I know...it's just that...I mean...he doesn't _**want**_ kids...and I missed...I mean I'm..."

"Shit." He suddenly understood. "You're not....Jeannie...you're pregnant?"

She looked at him sheepishly.

"And you want an abortion?" It was all making sense now. "Alan doesn't know, does he?"

"Please, Zach." She begged with her eyes. "He can't know. We're already under a lot of pressure. We're behind in the rent and he hasn't worked in two months..."

"How much?" He interrupted so he didn't get more mad.

"Um..." She couldn't look at him. "Five thousand."

"What?" He nearly chocked on his onion ring. "Where the hell am I going to get five thousand? What the fuck kind of trouble are you guys in?"

"Don't act like you're some penniless art student. Give him an extra blow job and get the money." She was suddenly back to her old self. "I could always take Cody off your hands if things are that tight for you, Zach."

"You're such a bitch..."

Shaun's timing was impeccable. "Codes has a pocket full of quarters and Ms. PacMan seems like a new invention to him." He looked from Zach to Jeanne and back again. "What's up?"

He spoke to his lover but his eyes bored into his sister. "She wants to sell us her son."

"Excuse me?" Shaun grabbed his hand to get his attention. "You want to explain that again."

"She needs five thousand dollars." He explained. "She'll take Cody."

"Oh." Shaun said.

He seemed incredibly calm. Too calm. "Did you hear what I just said?" _Don't you care?_

"Yep. Heard it." He squeezed Zach's arm before he looked at Jeanne. "We need guardianship. It's for Cody. If he gets sick or hurt we'll need a legal relationship. It'll take 20-minutes in family court. One of my friend's is the clerk, I'll call her and see if we can get on the docket."

She glared at Shaun.

"What, Jeanne." Shaun leaned forward. "Seems like a generous gesture on your part."

"Fine." She seethed. "When can I get the money."

"As soon as you sign the papers." Shaun answered.

He was so calm. _ I love this man._

"What would you do for ten thousand?"

_What._

"What?" She almost yelled.

"Guardianship is a good start, but adoption is way more permanent. I want Cody to feel like he has a family that loves him. A family that WANTS him." Shaun's tone became a tiny bit hostile.

"You want me to give up my parental rights and hand my son over to a couple of faggots?" She spat.

"You already gave him up to a couple of faggots, you sorry-ass excuse for a mother." Shaun wasn't hiding his feelings anymore, but he lowered his voice for the sake of Cody. "I'm just suggesting that you do something unselfish for once in your life and give your son a fucking family."

She glared at Shaun for several minutes in silence.

He had never loved anyone as much as he loved Shaun in that moment.

"I need to think about that." She finally said.

"It's a big decision, I would expect you to take your time with it. We can start with the guardianship and play the rest by ear." He leaned back in his chair and put his arm around Zach's shoulders. "How does that plan sound to you, Babe?"

"Good..." He coughed from the dryness in his throat. "...it sounds really good."

Two days.

A surprisingly short amount of time for a mother to give up guardianship of her only child.

But that's all it took.

Two. Days.

Shaun handed her an envelope full of cash as they walked from the courthouse to the parking lot.

They all rode in silence as they made their way back to the condo. She didn't even go inside. She just tossed the cash onto the passenger seat and turned to say her goodbyes.

She seemed pleased and it made him a little sick. She hugged Cody briefly before she got into her car and peeled out of the parking lot.

He hadn't felt this exhausted since the last time he watched Jeannie drive away from the people who should mean everything to her to be with a guy that treats her like shit.

Part of him felt bad for _**not**_ feeling bad for her.

A much bigger part of him worried about Cody.

He looked down and immediately felt his throat seize from emotion. Cody stood with his arms wrapped around Shaun's waist. Shaun's fingers were gently scratching Cody's scalp as his head rested on his ribcage.

Cody didn't look too upset.

As a matter of fact, Cody didn't look upset at all.

Shaun looked down a ruffled the boy's hair playfully. "Bath time, Kiddo."

"Bubbles?" Cody looked up with a mischief in his eyes.

"Only if you promise not to fill the whole bathroom with 'em this time!" Shaun teased with a gentle tug of messy hair.

"Promise, promise, promise, promise...." Cody chanted as he disappeared into the condo.

He watched his nephew happily trot away and he felt arms snake around his own waist. "How are you doing?" Shaun huffed the question into the fold of his neck.

It felt _**so**_ good.

He held on tight because it was the first time since his sister barged into their bedroom three mornings earlier that he felt safe. "Better now."

Shaun kissed his temple. "Good."

"Thanks for being on my side." It wasn't exactly everything he felt, but it was as close as he could articulate at the moment. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that his boyfriend just gave up a lot of money without even thinking about it. He was that sure of what he wanted. He was that sure of his commitment to not only Zach the lover - but Zach the uncle and Cody the nephew...of Zach-Shaun-Cody the _**family**_.

It all seemed to good to be true.

He felt more of Shaun's body pressed against his. "I'll always be on your side, Babe."

He actually believed it.

"Why don't you go relax in the jacuzzi. I'll make sure Cody keeps the bubbles from taking over the house."

His heart sank when he felt the loss of contact, so he grabbed onto his man and pulled him back. "Hey."

The way Shaun looked at him was reassuring - as if he understood completely. He closed his eyes right before he felt familiar lips - warm and inviting. "I love you too, Zach."

_God. _ He pulled Shaun into another kiss, this one was less about comfort and mostly about the burning need bubbling up inside of him.

Shaun definitely looked like he enjoyed the kiss. "Go relax, Babe. I'll meet you in there as soon as I get him to bed."

He was startled by the feel of cold glass on his neck.

"Thanks." He chuckled when he took the cold beer from Shaun's hand.

"You got room in there for me?" Shaun's robe was open, revealing his full frontal underneath. He stood on the edge of the deck that surrounded their jacuzzi tub.

"I was just getting out." He smirked. "I'm getting all pruney." He pushed himself out of the tub in one graceful movement until he sat on the ledge with his calves and feet dangling in the water.

Shaun's eyes wandered all over his slick body. It felt amazing to be so obviously wanted. He dropped his robe and slipped into the bubbling water. "You look good all pruney."

"Do I?" _God I want you._

He watched - mesmerized - as Shaun crossed the small expanse of the jacuzzi, grabbed muscular thighs to part firm legs and slid between them so he could lick the dripping water from a tight chest. _So good._

"Feeling better?" Shaun whispered into the skin of his neck.

"What do you think?" He asked in a husky voice.

Shaun chuckled into his ear causing a eruption of goose flesh. "I think you're hard as hell."

He threw his head back to give Shaun full access to the pebbled flesh of his neck. "What can I say - unconditional love turns me on."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Selfish (Part 3)  
Author: Salianne  
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: ~3100  
Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...  
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.  
AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

AN2: This one is from Shaun's POV

It was the rare moments like this to which he had grown so attached that he literally craved them if too much time passed in between. Just him and Zach and Cody. He was standing near the sink chopping veggies for a salad while Zach marinated steaks and talked to Cody.

Cody was spreading garlic butter onto a loaf of French bread - sort of.

"You gonna get any of that on the bread, Codes?" Zach teased.

It was almost endearing to watch Cody concentrate on the task. His eyes were scrunched up and his tongue peeked out of one side of his mouth.

Zach looked the same way when he was concentrating on a sketch. The fact that he knew about this shared trait between the man and boy standing with him in his kitchen caused the most pleasant ache in his chest.

Cody handed his uncle a buttery-mess-of-a-bread-loaf.

"Good job, Codes!" Zach wiped the marinade from his fingers and grabbed a sheet of foil. He handed it to Cody. "Now wrap it up so we can throw it on the grill with the steaks."

He couldn't stop the chuckle as he watched Cody crinkle foil around the loaf - crushing it in several places before he was done. "Are you and Shaun my guards?"

_That came out of nowhere. _

He heard Zach correcting. "Guardians."

"What are you guarding me from?" Cody stood on his knees on the bar stool and leaned on the counter.

"We're not guarding you from anything, Codes. Being your guardians just means that we have permission to take care of you while your mom is away."

He loved the way Zach talked to Cody. He could watch them all day, every day, and never get bored.

"Does that make Shaun my daddy, too." Cody sounded hopeful.

_Okay-wow. Is the sound of that supposed to make it this hard to breathe?_

"Codes, neither one of us is your Daddy." Zach leaned on the counter too. "But that doesn't mean I don't love you any less."

"That goes for me too, Code-man." He couldn't be a silent observer after that one.

And the look on Zach's face after he had said it made him want to say it all over again. And again and again.

Cody didn't appear to be as affected. It was almost as if he expected nothing less from his uncle's lover. It was as if he felt secure and safe and naive to the fact that his mother could take it all away whenever the mood struck.

_**That**_ reality of their current situation was the center of his nightmares these days.

It was more than just the fear of losing the child who had quickly and completely captured his heart. But he was sure that Zach would go wherever Cody ended up. He couldn't see Zach being happy without Cody as a daily component of his routine. He couldn't see Zach surviving a day without knowing by observation that Cody was okay. _I'll lose them both._

"Can I start the grill?" Cody was already on to the next subject.

_Kids are amazing little creatures._

"You remember how?" Zach asked skeptically.

"We practiced. He's a pro." He felt almost proud, which he thought was weird because he was talking about a very simple process of turning a knob and pressing a button until the grill puffed to life.

Zach looked at him for reassurance.

"I can see him from here, he'll be fine." He grazed his fingers along the plane of Zach's broad shoulders. "He knows how, promise."

He could see the surrender in Zach's eyes and knew it was a nervous concession. "Come right back in here when you're done."

Cody squealed in victory before he ran out to the patio. He watched as Cody went through every step in order, he could almost hear him talking himself through the process Shaun had carefully taught him the week before.

He even folded the cover - sort of - before he placed in on the wall behind the grill.

He turned to his nervous man and enjoyed the happy feeling that was filling him up from the comfortable energy in their kitchen. "We can give him what he wants you know."

"Shaun." Zach sighed in a way the made it clear that he was tired of having this conversation.

"I'm just saying we should think about it." He placed his hand on Zach's back. "It would give us all a little peace of mind."

Zach almost slammed the platter of steaks onto the counter - almost - before he turned to face Shaun. "It will give YOU peace of mind, Shaun. YOU. The only thing it will do for me and Cody is stir up a bunch of drama and make everything harder. So drop it. Please."

"I just think it's worth exploring again with..."

Zach pushed Shaun away, "I said drop it." and walked away to join Cody by the grill.

It had been the one thing they fought about since the day Jeanne signed over guardianship of her son. Shaun couldn't stop talking about it and Zach couldn't stop avoiding it like the plague.

They each had their reasons.

He just wanted a family - _**this**_ family to be exact. The only way to secure it was to make sure Jeanne didn't have power. Her power was her son and she knew it. It was bad for all of them, but mostly it was bad for Cody and Shaun felt more protective of Cody than he probably should. _Am I being selfish?_

Zach didn't want to rock the boat and piss off his sister, fearing she would pull back the guardianship and take Cody away just to spite them. Zach knew that would be the end of this new life that knew he didn't deserve but never wanted to give up.

Jeanne said she would think about it. That was always his trump card during the argument they had over and over again. All he wanted to do was bring it up again to see if she was open to the idea. Zach wouldn't budge though - there was no way he was going to bring adoption up with his sister.

It was frustrating.

He hoped that by bringing it up now and then, Zach would give in one day. So despite the frustration, he kept bringing it up.

He couldn't give up on either of them and dropping the subject felt like giving up.

He followed Zach to the patio and wrapped his arms around Zach's waist while he loaded the grill with steaks and potatoes. He kissed the back of his pouting lover's neck three times. "I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me."

He could feel the tension leave Zach's body as he leaned back a little. "I'm not mad. Can we talk about this later, though."

With one last kiss to Zach's warm skin, he turned his attention to the small boy who was now affixed to one of his legs. "What's up, Codes?"

"Can we have ice cream?"

"Ice Cream?" He chuckled and ruffled Cody's hair. "We haven't even had dinner yet."

"I know." Cody grinned,

"Tell you what. You and I can go get some ice cream. But we can't eat it until after dinner." He thought that was close to setting a boundary. "Deal?"

Cody nodded.

"Cool. Go put some shoes on and we'll go." He watched Cody scamper into the condo. Giving him a few minutes alone with his wounded lover.

"Babe." He grabbed Zach's hand and pulled him away from the grill. "I just want what's best for Cody. You know? I'm sorry I keep pushing it."

He was relieved when he felt Zach pulling him into a hug. "I know. I'm sorry too. I promise we can talk about it later. Okay?"

"Whenever you're ready." He kissed Zach's forehead. "Any special requests?"

"Rocky Road or Peanut-butter-chocolate."

"You got it."

He got both, actually. Pete's had both, so Zach got both.

He loved giving Zach what he wants.

"I'll get this." He took the soapy dish from Zach's hands. "Cody wants to read to you."

A little over an hour later he felt strong thighs straddle his hips. He lowered the magazine from his face and looked up at his lover - eating what looked like rocky road ice cream. He tried to read Zach's face. He had been concerned since the very, very quiet dinner they shared earlier. "Didn't get enough at dinner?"

He watched Zach suck ice cream from the spoon - swallowing slowly before he spoke. "Jeanne said the same thing to me when she talked me out of being with you."

He knew this was one of those defining moments and he didn't want to miss a thing. "What did she say?"

"She said she only wanted what was best for Cody." Zach looked pensive as he dipped the spoon into the ice cream container.

"Oh." _Wait for it._

"What she _**meant**_ was she wanted what was best for _**her**_." Zach placed the full spoon into his mouth again.

Watching the melty cream slide across Zach's tongue was having an effect that Shaun wished he had more control over because this was _**not**_ the time.

"What I meant was that I want what is best for _**Cody**_." He wanted to be very clear. "I want what is best for_** you**_, too."

Zach worked the ice cream around his mouth while he thought about it. It was impossible to know what he was thinking, so Shaun just waited patiently for his young lover to pull his thoughts together.

"I know."

_That's it? _ "Good."

"I'm not ready to go to bed yet." Zach leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Good night."

_That was weird._ "Hey." He grabbed Zach's thighs before he could climb off of his disappointed groin. "You okay?"

He watched Zach nod his head, but something in his big, brown eyes told him that Zach wasn't so sure if he was okay or not. "I just need a little time to think."

"Okay." He felt a little panic fluttering through his chest. "You know you can talk to me about anything. Right?"

He felt Zach's fingers skim along the line of his jaw. "I'll be in later."

_Shit. Damn it! I pushed it too far._

He didn't remember falling asleep. He peeled the issue of Writer's Digest off of his chest before he turned to Zach's side of the bed and reached for his man.

Who wasn't there.

He rubbed the bleariness from his eyes and focused on the alarm clock. _Four? It's four in the morning...where is he?_

He found him sitting on the couch reading the last of the loose pages of the rough draft of Shaun's latest novel. "You've been a busy boy."

When Zach looked up his eyes were red and glassy. "This is about Cody."

"Yeah." He took a seat on the opposite end of the couch, being careful to leave Zach with plenty of personal space. "It wasn't quite ready..."

"I...I'm sorry...it was...I saw the folder and got curious." Zach said as he nervously gathered the pages together.

He grabbed Zach's wrist and took the stack of paper from his shaking hands. "It's cool, Babe. I was going to ask you to read it before I sent it off to my editor anyway. I just wanted to do one more pass first. I'm glad you found it."

Zach scooted closer. "It's really good."

"You're not just saying that because you're my boyfriend?" He tried to keep it light because Zach looked so...sad wasn't the right word, but emotional in a way that wasn't exactly happy either.

"No. It's really, really good." Zach was leaning into Shaun's body. "I can't believe how well you know him. You understand him. And you wrote such an amazing ending to his story."

"It's just want I want for him. I want him to be like that when he grows up. Happy and strong and confident. I want him to believe in himself." He was finding it hard to form sentences all of a sudden because his handsome lover was now straddling his lap and looking at him with an intensity that was instantly arousing.

"Your Cody-character was lucky to have Uncle Troy." Zach's face was so close that he could feel the heat of his words drift across his face. "And Uncle Troy was _**really**_ lucky to have Uncle Brent."

_God._ "Was he?"

"Oh yeah..." Zach's lips grazed across his cheek. "I was just getting ready to go to bed."

_Fuck._ "Good. I was getting lonely in there..."

"Let's role play." Zach interrupted with breathy words whispered into Shaun's ear. "I'll be Troy and you'll be Brent. And Troy is very, very grateful to have Brent and goes out of his way to show him..."

"What about Zach and Shaun?" _ Could I sound __**more**__ insecure?_

"I'll show you all about Zach and Shaun." Zach climbed off of Shaun's lap and stood. He took off his shirt and tossed it to Shaun before he walked toward their bedroom. "You coming?"

Sometimes it was more challenging than others to keep the passion to a low roar for the sake of the child sleeping down the hall. It was almost excruciating to keep it contained during this particular session.

Zach had him pinned to the mattress within seconds of closing the door. They didn't say much. Everything that needed to be spoken was conveyed with fingers and tongues. The air was pungent with the smell of them as their bodies became overheated and slick. He felt it - the gratefulness - from every thrust of Zach's lovemaking. And he couldn't contain his own rush of grateful that screamed in his heart as the fireball grew in his middle. Zach's face hovered above him -_ beautiful _- Zach's eyes were closed as he concentrated on the rhythm and angle and depth that would give his partner the most pleasure. He pulled on Zach's neck until their bodies were flush so he could bury his face into Zach's flesh to muffle the sounds of his begging for more - deeper and harder and just..._more_. Despite this new position - one which made it awkward to generate the momentum necessary to deliver harder and deeper - Zach managed to get them both off within seconds of each other. _So good._

He fell asleep with the comforting weight of his panting, sweaty lover on top of him. He woke an hour later tangled up in sheets and arms and legs. He felt wrapped up and complete. _He's going to need strong coffee. _ He snuggled into Zach's back to give his slumbering love a quick smooch before untangling from their love knot to get his man's coffee brewing.

By the time he made it back to the bedroom, he saw Zach stirring groggily. _He's adorable._ He sat on the edge of the bed and held a cup of coffee in front of Zach's nose. "Rise and shine Sexy."

Zach wrinkled his brow. "Timezit?"

"Ten after six." He held the coffee closer to Zach's face. "Thought you would need this."

Zach groaned as he rolled onto his side and leaned on one elbow so he could take the coffee. His voice was thick with exhaustion. "Feel like shit."

"I bet." He chuckled sympathetically. "You stayed up all night reading and then you made your boyfriend very, very happy for almost an hour."

Zach grinned into his coffee.

"You missed the best part though." He held up a single sheet of paper.

Zach lowered his mug. "What's that?"

"The dedication page for _Storm Shelter_."

Zach looked curious and more awake. "Read it to me. I don't think I can focus yet."

"Okay." He cleared his throat dramatically. "To the pieces that complete my puzzle and the shelter I seek in all of my storms. My love, my heart, my family - Zach and Cody."

When he looked up from the paper he held in his hands, Zach looked more alert and completely overwhelmed. "Zach _**and**_ Cody."

"Of course." He wondered how long it would take for Zach to stop being so surprised every time he realized how much he was loved.

"I forgot to tell you last night." Zach smiled sweetly. "I decided to call Jeanne. Maybe she's thought about your offer."

Zach placed his coffee on the bedside table before he pulled Shaun into bed. Once Zach had him wrestled onto his back he kissed him. "We have 45 minutes before we have to wake up Cody."

"You sure you're up for it?" He teased.

Zach did a little hip grind. "Can't you feel how up I am?"

The phone rang as soon as their tongues collided. "Fuck."

Zach lunged for the phone. "Shit."

"Hurry before it wakes up Codes." He really wanted their 45-minutes.

"Hello." Zach sounded annoyed and a little out of breath. "Jeanne?"

Zach was close enough that he could hear Jeanne's voice on the other end of the phone. He couldn't make out every word, but he heard enough to know she was standing outside of their front door.

Zach hung up the phone and sighed into Shaun's chest. "Something's really wrong."

Zach pushed himself off of the bed and grabbed the first thing he could reach. It happened to be Shaun's boxer-briefs. The sight of it was intoxicating. "How do you know."

"Because she's being polite." He said as he walked out of their room to answer the front door. He gently closed Cody's bedroom door on his way.

He scrambled for something to wear before he followed Zach to the front door. By the time he got there the door was hanging wide open - so was Zach's mouth. Jeanne stood on their doormat. Her arm was in a sling and her face was one giant bruise. One eye was swollen shut and she had a very distinct hand-print wrapped around her neck.

He felt Zach leaning into him, obviously rendered speechless by the sight of his only sister beaten to a pulp, and he knew that he was going to have to take control for a while. He placed a protective arm around Zach's waist and reached for Jeanne's hand and hoped they would all survive whatever drama was to come.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Selfish (Part 4)  
Author: Salianne  
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: ~3780  
Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...  
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.  
AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

AN2: This one has shifting POVs.

When she saw Zach standing on the other side of the door she felt overwhelming relief. It had been so long since she felt the feeling of belonging, but one look at her brother and it was there. Zach had always been there - no matter what - and she knew that he would always be there when she needed him. He was her back-up plan. He was her security blanket. With Zach there was no risk she wasn't willing to take because he would never let her down.

Then _**he**_ appeared behind her brother. She hated him. Shaun showed up and everything she had counted on her whole life changed. Zach was distracted. He had priorities that had nothing to do with his sister and what she needed to get through life.

It was infuriating.

Zach was never like that with Tory. Tory always came second. She missed Tory.

She felt a warm hand pulling her into the house and they didn't belong to her brother. He was still standing there looking stunned. She liked that he looked so shocked - that meant he still cared which meant she would easily get what she needed.

Her brother was always so easy to persuade. Her mom used to tell her that one day Zach wouldn't be so easily manipulated. _Whatever. Look at him. _

For her, the bottom line was that she and Zach were family. Therefore, she came first. That's the way it was supposed to be. And right now, she really needed to come first.

"Did you drive all night?" Shaun asked because her brother was still trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing.

She let Shaun lead her to the comfortable leather sofa and was surprised by how gently he treated her as he helped her sit. He was also holding onto her brother's hand, which made her panic a little because it made them look so connected. She felt a light brush of fingers across her forehead as Shaun brushed the stray hair from her face. "I'll go grab you some cold water."

He left her alone with her brother. He was sitting on the big, square coffee table in front of her. He finally found his voice and it sounded so small to her ears.

"What happened to you?" Zach asked in disbelief. "Did Alan do this to you?"

_Fucking hell. _ "He didn't mean to, Zach. We got into a fight about his car. He wrecked it and wanted to use mine and I needed it to get to work and I got in his face and said shit I shouldn't have. He's been under a lot of pressure since he lost his job and I said some really fucked up shit so..."

"Jeannie..." Zach grabbed her hand to stop her from talking. "...I don't care what you said to him, he had no right to hurt you like this."

"Like you and your sugar-daddy never fight." _Don't act like you're better than me, baby brother._

Zach scooted closer and squeezed her hand. "Of course we fight, Jeannie. But Shaun would never, ever hurt me. Ever. And I can't imagine ever hurting him, either. We love each other."

She huffed. Suddenly she couldn't look him in the eyes so she looked around the room instead. She noticed a picture on the mantle of the sleek, black fireplace. It was a black and white picture of Cody and Shaun. Cody was sitting on Shaun's lap and they were both looking off into the distance. It was a candid shot that left no doubt how connected her son was to the man now handing her a chilled glass of water.

"Don't you have anything stronger" She asked with a bit of an edge.

Zach backed away and bristled. "It's barely six-thirty in the morning, Jeannie."

"What are you, the family priest?"

"Okay." Shaun interrupted before Zach could say anything he would regret later. "I need to get Cody up now. May I suggest we tell him you were in a car accident?"

"That's a good idea, Babe." Zach looked at his sister. "Can you do that?"

"Why should I lie to him?"

"Because he's six years old and this will scare the shit out of him and he doesn't really need that." Zach sounded impatient. "Please, Jeannie."

"I think I know what's best for my son." She insisted.

"I don't think you do, Jeannie." Shaun argued. "You've been away from him for over six months. Please trust us on this."

"Shaun's right, Jeannie." Zach agreed. "Please."

She was furious. How dare Zach take Shaun's side. But she was smart enough to know when to pick her battles. "Fine."

Breakfast was awkward at best. Cody had a million stupid questions. Shaun was so annoying - the way he coddled the boy was more than a little suspicious. No one is that nice without a motive.

Finally Shaun announced that he was taking Cody to school. _**Finally **_she had some time alone with her brother. Finally she could get him to come to his senses about this obviously controlling relationship with some guy who should be dating people _**her **_age - not her baby brother.

When Shaun leaned down to kiss her brother goodbye she wanted to scream.

"We can make up the office for her. Don't forget to tell her about the party tonight. I'll give Rebs some money for pizza when I drop Codes off."

The way Shaun talked to him was like they were married - _for fucks sake._

"Okay." Zach kissed Shaun again. "Thanks, Babe."

"Take it easy, Jeanne." Shaun squeezed her shoulder supportively as he passed. "Call me if you need anything while I'm out."

After the door closed she pounced. "Who's Rebs?"

"Oh. That's Rebecca, our friend. She teaches at Cody's school. She has a son Cody's age and she's keeping him tonight."

"Does he spend the night there often?"

"Sometimes, and sometimes Zen stays here with us. He and Codes are like best friends."

_He looks so proud._ "So there's a party tonight?"

"Yeah. Gabe's driving in for the weekend so we're having some of my friends from CalArts and a few of our neighbors. It's a small thing. If you're not up for it we can set you up in our office with some movies and stuff. But you should join us - these are really good people. We can stick with the car accident story."

When he reached across the space between them to touch her bruised face she almost allowed herself to cry.

Almost.

"Jeanne." He looked at her with so much pain in his eyes. "What are you doing with a guy like that? You're better than that, Sis."

Something about it felt like a slap in the face. What made him think he was in any position to judge her and her taste in men? He was allowing himself to be used like some cheap whore by her best friend's older brother. "Alan's not all bad, Zach. I'm not an idiot. We had a really bad fight and things got carried away..."

"If you're staying with Alan, why are you here?" He asked in a surprisingly calm tone.

"I didn't say I was staying with Alan, Zach." She snapped. "I just don't like you talking shit about him...or my decisions. You're not in any position to judge me."

"I'm not judging you. I just think..."

"I don't think he keeps you around to_** think**_, Zach." _You're no better than me._

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not sure I want Cody to think it's normal to earn his way by sleeping with old guys."

"Would you _**stop**_ talking about Shaun like that! You don't know the first thing about him or us and he's _**not**_ old, _**Jeanne**_. He's your age!"

_Yeah - so why should you get to have him? _ "Look at me, Zach." She grabbed his hands in hers. "Look. I need you to focus here. It's not about him - it's about us - your family."

"You're not making any sense, Jeanne. I think you need to get some sleep and we'll talk later." He tried to sooth. "Okay?"

"He's trying to take everything." _He needed to see it._ He needed to see it her way. She needed him to see it her way. She had no one else. So she cried. Zach always responded to that. "My son, my brother - everything."

"He's not trying to take anything from you, Jeannie." He pulled her to him and held her close. "I promise. I'm still here and so is Cody. Shaun loves us. He loves you too. He's not taking anything from you. Come on, Sis. Let's get you to bed. You'll feel better after some sleep."

She had been asleep four several hours by the time Shaun walked through the front door. He looked a little sweaty and carried two rather large boxes.

"Whatcha got there." He asked while he grabbed the top box from his man - who happened to smell like summer but he wasn't really sure what about his scent made him think that. "Have you been working out?"

Shaun chuckled as he headed for their room. "If carrying these things around counts, then yeah."

Once Shaun dropped his box in the back of their walk-in closet and took the box from Zach and placed it on top before he grabbed Zach by the hips and planted a sweaty kiss on his lips. "You don't like me all sweaty?"

_You have no idea._ "I was actually thinking you should be sweaty all the time."

"You're so weird." He grumbled into a kiss.

He kissed back and pressed himself into the damp heat of Shaun's chest. "What's in the boxes?"

"I'll show you later. Right now I need a shower." After one more quick kiss Shaun backed away while he pulled his shirt over his head. "How's your sister?"

"Sleeping it off." He stalked toward his lover as Shaun backed toward the bathroom. "Hopefully she'll wake up with a clearer head. She was actually defending the bastard."

"I'm not surprised." Shaun popped the top button of his jeans. "Her self esteem is in the toilet."

He pushed Shaun against the vanity and skimmed his chest with his palms. "Can we talk about Jeannie after I help you take that shower?"

"You sure you wouldn't rather take a nap?" Shaun asked with a playful smirk. "You _**were **_up all night."

"I can see how someone your age would need a nap, but I'm not that old." He teased - the way they always teased. Since the Grasshopper-days they've enjoyed bantering about their difference in age.

But something about it felt unsettling all of a sudden.

"I'll show you old..." Shaun yanked at Zach's fly. "Let's get you out of these and into that shower."

He grabbed Shaun's wrist and pulled himself away from the scent of summer sun and surf. "Maybe you're right. I think I am a little tired. I should catch a few z's so I can keep up with you tonight."

He hadn't stopped thinking about it since this morning. His sister knew him better than anyone. _ She does, doesn't she? _ She was really the only person left who knew him since birth - except for his dad of course. But his dad was only half there on his best days, so he didn't really count.

_Is she right?_ _ Is Shaun using me? Am I just some piece of ass - easily bought for a smile and a free bed to sleep in every night? _ If she was right - what does that mean about Cody? Why would Shaun be so into a six-year old kid Why would he go out of his way to make sure Cody has everything he wants - _always_?

_Is Jeannie right? Are there motives that I have chosen to ignore? Shit. Stop it! Like I'm worth paying for anyway. Stop letting her get in your head._

As the battle raged on in his heart and mind, he felt the weight of his love behind him at the same time he felt arms sliding around his chest.

"Talk to me." Shaun said before he kissed his shoulder.

"I'm just tired."

"Bullshit." Shaun said calmly. "What's going on, Zach?"

He spun around, being careful to keep himself wrapped up in Shaun. He looked into the color of hazel that was more green than brown - the color of unconditional love. _How can I doubt you?_

"Do you think I should get a job?"

Shaun's fingers were dancing across the skin of his back as he looked confused and amused at the same time. "How did we go from impending shower sex to looking for a job?"

"I just think maybe I should contribute more than I do." _And maybe stop paying for my way with blow jobs._

Shaun sighed. "You had a good talk with your sister, I see."

"She did make me wonder...I mean...why do you...why would you be okay with me just..."

"Hey..." Shaun held his finger over Zach's lips. "...enough."

"Seriously, Shaun. What do you get out of this?"

"Seriously?" Shaun propped himself up and grabbed Zach's neck to make sure they didn't lose eye contact. "You're seriously asking me that?"

_Fuck. You're a fucking idiot. Jeanne's here for five minutes and you're throwing it all away._ "I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel..."

"Zach." Shaun interrupted. "I want to answer your question."

_Oh_.

"What I get out of it is to wake up with the most amazing person I've ever known. Every day - I get to wake up and look at you. You're...god, Zach...how can you not know? You're so...fucking _**beautiful**_. In every way - you're beautiful. And you love me. _** ME!**_ I never ever - in a million years - dreamed that my life could be this good. _**You**_ make my life this good, Zach. I want you here with me - always. I want Cody here with me - always. Not because you're hot and not because I think I have to put up with Codes to keep you around. I love you, Zach. I love Cody. _**Love.**_ Do you get it?"

He hoped he wasn't crying, but he was pretty sure he was. "I love you, too."

"I know." Shaun smiled a wry smile. "I kind of expected some insecurity from you after spending a few hours with your sister."

"I'm sorry." _God - I suck._

"Zach, please don't worry about working. I have money and I want you to put all of your energy into school. You're not a burden and I don't feel like you're taking advantage."

_Don'tsayitdon'tsayitdon'tsayit..._ "Jeannie thinks I'm earning my way with sex." _Why the fuck did you say it?_

"Who cares what she thinks..."

"Do you think..."

"No." Shaun kissed him. "No."

"God. I'm sorry." _Idiot. Just make the best thing that ever happened to you feel like shit. Way to lose a good thing dumb ass..._

"Stop beating yourself up." Shaun smiled before he kissed him. "You grab an hour of sleep. I'll hop in the shower."

"Wait." He was nervous but knew it needed to be said. "I know this morning I said we would talk to her about adoption. But after what she's been through I can't..."

"I know, Zach. It's okay."

_How is this man real? How can she not see how perfect he is?_

_Or maybe she does and doesn't want me to have something she'll never have._

_Stop it. She's your sister._

He fell asleep to the sound of running water and the nagging doubt that he never deserved any of what Shaun had to offer.

"Bro!"

It always felt good to hug his baby brother. He held him a little longer than necessary and then slapped him on the back in an overt display of man-hug finesse. "How they hangin', Dude?"

"You know how it goes, Bro." Gabe smiled the goofy smile that always left Shaun wondering if he would ever really grow up. "Just putting in my time and banging all the..." Gabe looked around the condo. "...where's the wee-dude?"

"Spending the night with a friend." Shaun grinned.

"So we have the all clear to say pussy and cock and shit like that?"

Shaun laughed. "Whatever floats your boat, little bro."

"Cool." Gabe tossed his backpack into the corner of the room. "Where's the wife?"

"Who you calling the wife, Dickweed?" Zach said as he walked into the room.

He watched the childhood friends do the official man-hug-back-slap and something about it felt more complete.

"Sorry, Dude. I just figured you for the bottom." Gabe teased.

Shaun couldn't stop himself even thought he knew it would send his brother over the edge. "We take turns."

"Bro!" Gabe screeched. "TMI, Dude!"

Zach laughed. "Dude, you're the one who asked me if guys swallowed."

Shaun almost spit out the water he just sipped. "Seriously?"

"I though I asked you if guys gave better head." Gabe played along.

"You asked both." Zach punched him in the arm.

"Hey Gabe..." Shaun decided to go for the kill. "Yes to both questions."

"Okay. I think I need to bleach my brain." Gabe faked a gag. "So when does this fag party start?"

"We got about an hour. You planning on staying tonight?" Zach asked as he handed his best friend a beer.

"Nah. I'll hang for a few and then head up to Ventura." Gabe gulped down the beer in three swallows.

"Ventura? Isn't that a little far for a party hop?" Shaun asked.

"What's her name?" Zach asked and chuckled at the same time.

"Dude." Gabe looked caught. "Hand me another beer and I'll give you all the dirty-little details."

"I can't believe you're driving 40-miles for pussy." Zach had fallen into his Gabe-mode.

Shaun loved that they were still the same. He would have hated it if he got in the middle of their thing.

"Dude. Seriously. She's more than pussy. I think I've been caught."

"About time." Shaun smacked him in the back of the head playfully.

"It's good to see that Zach still has a normal friend." Jeanne's voice came from the direction of the hallway.

Gabe looked at Zach and mouthed silently, 'Is that Jeanne?'

Zach nodded and rolled his eyes.

Shaun watched the color drain from his brother's face when he saw the battered woman enter the room.

"Fuck, Jeanne. What the hell happened to you?"

"Car accident." They all said at the same time.

Their house filled one or two people at a time. The CalArts crowd connected to Gabe almost immediately. The neighbors who had become friends were amused by Gabe in the best way possible. By the time the last guest arrived they totaled thirteen, two straight couples, one gay couple, two single lesbians, one straight guy, Gabe, the two hosts...and Jeanne.

Shaun was happy to see how well they group blended. The house was filled with laughter, even Jeanne seemed to be having fun after she was drunk enough. Gabe offered to teach Todd how to surf over the weekend and one of their neighbors invited the whole bunch to their place for a BBQ the following weekend.

Shaun felt so...coupled and happy. And every once in a while he would glance at the handsome man who shared his bed and he realized that Zach was just as happy.

They were real.

They only thing missing was Cody. _We're taking him to the BBQ._

Just as he shared another knowing glance with the brown eyes across the room, the door bell rang. He saw the confusion he felt reflected in the face of his lover. _I thought everyone was here._

Zach got to the door first and Shaun was glad he wasn't far behind because he had to restrain Zach from jumping on the man standing in front of them.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Zach was almost screaming.

It took every bit of his strength to hold him back. "Alan, I think it would be best if you left."

"Is she here?" Alan asked calmly.

Zach lunged again. "Haven't you done enough?"

"Alan?" Jeanne pushed her way to the door. "What are you doing here? How?"

"Bus. Baby. I'm sorry. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry and I need you home. My life sucks without you. Please just give me five minutes."

Jeanne stepped out and Zach nearly lost it. "Jeanne. Are you fucking nuts? This prick beat the shit out of you. He could have fucking killed you and you're going to..."

"Shut up, Zach. Don't get involved in things you don't understand." Jeanne spat before she stepped past Alan and stomped toward the car. Alan glared before he turned to follow her.

Zach watched them talk from the window in the kitchen. They stood by Jeanne's car and at first they seemed to be arguing, but within 10-minutes Jeanne was hugging him and kissing him and the sight of it made Shaun feel sick. Not so much for Jeanne, but for the sad man staring at her through the kitchen window.

Zach looked deflated. He looked disappointed. He looked lost. But mostly he looked betrayed.

He stepped behind Zach and wrapped him up in his arms. Together they watched Jeanne get into the car with Alan and drive away. _ I guess we'll mail her shit to Oregon? _They stood in silence, with the murmur of their guests behind them, and tried to make sense of what they had just witnessed.

"She didn't even say goodbye." Zach sounded gutted.

_Shit._ He held him tighter and spoke quietly into Zach's ear. "She just can't face you, Babe."

"She said we were family. She said that's what mattered most. She said..."

"I know." Shaun felt such an ache building in his chest. "She means it when she's talking about you. I'm not trying to be mean, Babe. But she's selfish. She would rather have you unhappy and meeting _**her **_needs than have you be cherished and cared for by someone who loves you beyond measure."

He felt Zach lean into him and sigh. "I do. No matter if you believe you're worth it or not. I cherish you, Zach. So let's take a deep breath, get back to our guests, and later when we're alone I'll spend all night showing you how cherished you are."

Zach turned and wrapped himself up in Shaun. "That sounds perfect." He buried his face into Shaun's neck and took a deep breath. Shaun felt protective and happy that the man he loved found comfort in his arms. It wasn't lost on him that Zach - who was usually reserved in front of company - was clinging to him front of a room full of friends.

Then he heard seven words - a soulful confession - that made him want to throw everyone out of the house and take Zach to bed immediately.

"I _**really**_ need to feel cherished tonight."

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Selfish (Part 5)  
Author: Salianne  
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: ~2588  
Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...  
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.  
AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

AN2: Back to Zach's POV.

AN3: Have I mentioned that I have a weakness for needy, angsty man-sex?

He woke up on the couch with his face stuck to leather. He stretched himself and looked around the room and wondered where everyone had gone. _Did I drink that much?_

He sat up and rubbed his face with one hand and marveled at the fact that he didn't have a headache. He remembered Jeanne leaving with Alan and he remembered Shaun comforting him in the kitchen. Then he remembered Gabe pulling a bottle of tequila from his back pack and that's about the last thing he can remember.

He heard some shuffling coming from the office and hope flashed through his heart that it had all been a bad dream. _Maybe she's still here. _ He stood slowly to make sure he wasn't wobbly and once he assured his footing he made his way to the light coming from the open door of the office.

He didn't find Jeanne.

He wasn't disappointed though. He didn't have time to be disappointed because what he did see was both amazing and unbelievable. "What's all this?"

Shaun looked up from the pile of parts he was trying to assemble. "You're awake!" When he smiled like seeing Zach had made everything in his world better - Zach almost cried.

"Did I pass out?" Zach asked as he sat on the floor on the other side of the pile.

"Sort of." Shaun smiled. "I think you were more tired than drunk, though."

"How humiliating." Zach chuckled. "Do our friends think you're dating a loser?"

"Our friends think your...let me try to remember how Suzanne said it...um...oh yeah..." Shaun smirked. "Our friends think you're adorkable."

He groaned. "Shit. Gabe's never going to let me forget it!"

"Just wait until you see the pictures on his Facebook." Shaun teased.

"Oh god." Zach couldn't help laughing too. "So, what's all this?"

"This..." Shaun swept the room dramatically with his hands. "...is your artist's studio."

"My...my what?" He looked around the office - well, it used to be an office. The desk had been pushed into the large walk-in closet. There were two floor lamps in there too, as if Shaun had converted the closet into a tiny office within an office for himself. On the wall where the desk used to be was a back lit drawing table. Another, smaller desk was across the room. Both a Mac and an a PC were connected to a hub the led to a single keyboard. He didn't even know what half of the gadgets that littered the two shelves beneath were, but he did know there were two printers and a photo processor. The old daybed had been shoved in front of the giant picture window to make room for whatever Shaun was currently assembling. "Shaun!"

"You woke up too soon." Shaun grinned. "I wanted this to be all done the first time you saw it."

"Is this...the boxes from yesterday...Shaun?" _Why can't I complete a fucking sentence?_

"What do you think of it so far?" Shaun asked while he focused on the assembly tasks. "I was thinking we could have some of your sketches framed for the walls."

He didn't know how to respond. He loved it - but it was too much. _**WAY**_ too much. What was Shaun thinking? He was a ghetto street painter - he had barely started formal education - he was _**NO**_ artist. Not even close.

Shaun looked up and smiled. "I told you a long time ago. You're talented, Zach. An artist of your caliber needs the right tools."

"I can't..."

"I don't think I asked you." Shaun interrupted.

"But..."

"Just say thank you, Babe." Shaun set his task aside. "You deserve this."

"Shaun..." He felt like crying. After everything that had happened over the last 24-hours, this was almost more than he could bare. "...thank you...god."

"Hey." Shaun sounded concerned. "Come here." He pulled Zach close.

"No one has...ever...not even..." _Fuck. _ He wanted to run away. Just leave. How was he supposed to ever be able to reciprocate this? He was already so far behind in the bst-boyfriend-ever-contest. _Fuck._ "How can you afford this?"

"I already told you..." Shaun pushed the pile away so he could hold Zach closer. "...don't worry, I'm not blowing through my retirement or anything."

"I'm serious."

"So am I." Shaun knitted his fingers into Zach's hair.

The fact that he suddenly wanted to fuck Shaun into the floor was disturbing. Maybe Jeanne was right. Maybe he _**was **_buying his way through life by fucking his sugar daddy. What other explanation could there be for the fact that every time Shaun gave him something - _**anything**_ - all he could think about was sweating through the sheets until he couldn't walk without limping?

_She was right._

"I'm tired." He kissed Shaun's cheek. "Thank you for this. I can't believe you would do all of this for me."

With that he stood and walked away from his very confused boyfriend.

He didn't bother taking his clothes off, he just crawled into bed, closed his eyes, and tried to understand how he got here. He tried to figure out how his sister could know the truth about this sham of a relationship when he wasn't sure he completely understood it all yet. It felt so real. It felt like love.

Shaun seemed sincere.

Maybe it wasn't really about Shaun. Maybe for Shaun this _**was**_ real. Maybe the problem here was him. Shaun offered him an escape when he needed one the most. Shaun was a means to an end. How could he _**NOT**_ take him up on it? And Shaun never - not even for a second - denied that Cody belonged with them.

_Us. Is there really an us? Do I even like sex with him? Am I really even gay? How could I let this happen? How could I drag Cody into this? _

He felt crazy.

"You're the hottest guy I know, Zach." Shaun's voice was calm and soothing as he walked closer to the bed they shared. "I mean, you're seriously hot."

_Awesome. He __**does**__ only want me for..._

"But there are times when I don't feel much like having sex with you at all."

_What?_

"Then there are times when I don't think I can get you naked fast enough. And sometimes I'll start out feeling like I would rather stab my eyes out with hot pokers than fuck and you'll do something sweet, or I'll watch you read to Cody, or you'll show me a sketch that symbolizes our love and suddenly I'm begging you to take me."

He felt Shaun sit on the bed next to him. He was facing the opposite wall of windows, but he could see Shaun's reflection and he looked worried. Shaun reached for his hair and lightly brushed his fingers through it.

"I guess I'm just trying to say that sex isn't always about attraction or lust. Sometimes it's about feeling grateful and happy. Sometimes it's about feeling like you're the luckiest man alive because someone so fucking amazing loves you. Sometimes it's about waking up with a stiff dick and needing a little relief."

He couldn't help grinning at that. Because sometimes that's exactly what it was.

"But Zach. No matter what prompts the mood - wether it's deep and romantic or just getting off because it feels good - with you it's always about love, too."

_God._

"Babe. You're here because we have something pretty fucking special. This isn't something you can fake. I _**know**_ you love me." Shaun climbed over him so he could stretch out in front of him and look into his eyes. Shaun skimmed his thumb across his jaw until he was rubbing tiny circles into his earlobe. "You're here because _**we**_ love each other."

He closed his eyes. _Trust this. Trust this. Trust this. _

"I hear the things she says to you." Shaun scooted closer. "Babe. Please stop letting her in here." He tapped Zach's temple softly. "Or here." He placed his flat palm on Zach's chest."

Feeling the heat of Shaun's hand caused a sob to escape his throat. He felt Shaun pulling him closer, strong arms were suddenly wrapped around him.

"I'm sorry, Babe." Shaun whispered. He tightened his hold and when he spoke again his voice shook. "If we never make-love again, I'll still want you here. If I never have the taste of you on my tongue, I still want your scent here in my bed every night and every morning and every second in between..."

_Oh god._ "How do you know...how could you...know why I'm..." He still couldn't look at him.

"I just do." Shaun explained without explaining. "Love does that."

"I feel crazy." He admitted because he knew he could.

"I know." Shaun soothed. "But you're not. You do have some seriously heavy baggage though."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Shaun tipped his chin up until they were looking at each other. "I'll help you carry yours if you help me carry mine."

_Now __**that**__ makes my dick hard._ He had no words - so he just kissed. And kissed. And kissed.

"Feels right." He finally said between kisses. "Feels real."

"It _**is**_ real, Babe." Shaun's breathing was more rapid. "So real."

"I've never felt this way?" He confessed between breathy kisses.

"Me either."

"I don't know how to do this." He was feeling the pain of his confession. "I'll fuck it up."

"Hey." Shaun searched his eyes. "I feel like I've loved you my whole life. Nothing you do or say will fuck that up."

_God._ "Shaun." He felt a sudden rush of _fuckmenow_ and it didn't feel like anything he should feel bad about. "Want..." _I don't deserve you._

"Tell me, Zach." Shaun growled into his neck. "Tell me what you want."

He finally let go of all of the toxic fallout from his sister and gave in to the feeling of, "You. I want you. Shaun. Wantyouwantyouwantyou..." He plunged his hand beneath Shaun's briefs and wrapped his fist around the familiar heavy, hot, hard... _Yes. Cock. I love cock. I love his cock. Fuck._ "Want you..."

"You have me." Shaun reassured. "You've always had me."

He let Shaun take charge. He needed Shaun to take charge. Jeanne reminded him of how long he had to be the one to take care of everyone - before he should have had to - and before he was ready.

But there was no one else at the time.

His mother was dying and she needed so much. Jeanne was busy running around with Roy and getting herself pregnant and Dad was too messed up to care. Then she died and Cody was born and one look at that baby and he knew his life was no longer his own.

Jeanne took full advantage and he had forgotten what happy felt like.

Until Shaun - who was kissing every inch of skin on his back. _When did I end up on my stomach? _ He stopped thinking all together when he felt Shaun's wet, hot tongue breaching the tight ring of muscle usually reserved for something much bigger and harder.

The intimacy of what Shaun was doing to him erased the last bit of doubt. He felt himself arch into Shaun's touch, his body craving more of the sensation of anything and everything Shaun had to offer.

And Shaun was up for the challenge. He offered more depth, more suck, more grip of hips and squeeze of cheeks and probing of fingers. When he felt the burn and stretch of Shaun's girth he could no longer hold back and found himself pushing into Shaun's thrusting groin, craving deeper and harder. His back was arched like a cat and Shaun was scraping fingernails from shoulder to ass - something that made Zach scream Shaun's name mixed with demands for more.

They usually took advantage of Cody's sleep-overs with Zen to make the noise they would otherwise stifle - but tonight was off the charts. His voice was soon rough from the strain. He reach behind him to feel the slick, tight skin of Shaun's thigh. "Fuck - Baby."

He didn't pull out the term often. Shaun tended to call him Babe as if it were his name - but Zach was always a little less comfortable with terms of endearment. But when he did let one slip - they both knew it was going to get a little out of control. He pivoted on his knees so he was slamming into Shaun's every thrust and his heart raced from the exertion.

He was always surprised by how good - how fucking perfect - this felt. The first time he saw how blessed Shaun was in all things manly, he swore he would never let anything that big anywhere near his ass.

A few weeks later he was begging for it. He didn't even know why. It was another passion filled night that quickly spun out of control until he found himself begging to be pummeled by the man who had completely tilted his world onto another axis.

And it felt so good. From the first excruciating stretch of his virgin hole - it felt amazing. He hasn't been able to get enough ever since. He craved it.

He loved being fucked by Shaun.

Almost as much as he loved fucking Shaun.

Sucking Shaun rocked, too.

When they sucked each other at the same time it was even better.

Their voices filled the room as they slammed into each other. It was a perfect harmony of baritone moans and words that fluctuated between sweet sentiments and filthy, dirty demands.

He came without being touched.

He loved when that happened.

Especially when he came first and could feel Shaun's cock respond to the spasm of his orgasm. He could feel every ripple as Shaun filled the condom before he collapsed on top of him.

As soon as he could breathe he couldn't stop himself from giggling. This caused his exhausted lover to stir and kiss his neck before he slid to the side and draped an arm across the small of his back. "I'm not sure it's polite to laugh after I go through all the trouble of fucking you so thoroughly."

He adjusted himself just enough to get his own arm around Shaun. "I just can't believe how pitiful..."

"Shhh." Shaun kissed him. "Just tell me how good it felt."

He suddenly understood the phrase 'he melted me,' because that's exactly the sensation he felt. "It felt so good. **YOU** felt so good. I can still feel you as a matter of fact."

"It did feel good." Shaun agreed. "I love you."

"I'm sorry I let Jeanne..."

"Don't be sorry. Never be sorry for feeling pain and sharing that with me. I want to be here to take that pain away. Every time."

"I really like your technique." He could feel himself smiling from the happiness he felt.

"God, Babe." Shaun looked like he melted a little too. "That smile makes me weak."

He pushed Shaun onto his back and slowly licked his way south because after _**that **_there was no way he could resist the urge to suck Shaun until he could only babble.

And if that meant he was paying for Shaun's love with sex...he wasn't going to apologize for it.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Selfish (Part 6)  
Author: Salianne  
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: ~3925  
Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...  
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.  
AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

AN2: Zach's POV.

AN3: I searched and searched to find out what thier last names are but no luck - so if anyone knows, tell me and I'll fix this!

When he walked through the door, what he saw in the kitchen caused his breath to catch in his throat. Cody was on his knees on a bar stool leaning onto the high counter of the kitchen's center island and Shaun was standing on the other side leaning his long body so they met in the middle. They were looking at Cody's homework and Shaun was patiently explaining where to cross the "t" in Cody's last name.

"What's your last name?" Cody asked while concentrating on his pencil.

"Andrews." Shaun pointed to the paper to indicate where Cody needed to make his mark.

"Spell it." Cody demanded.

He watched Shaun stifle a chuckle. "A-N-D..."

"Slower!" Cody barked as he tried to keep up.

"What are you doing?" Shaun asked with a smile.

"Writing my last name." Cody replied as if Shaun were the dumbest adult on the planet.

Shaun couldn't stop the chuckle. "Codes. Your last name is Stanton."

"I want it to match yours." Cody explained.

_It's so simple when you're six._ "Hey!" He decided to rescue his lover. "How are my guys?"

"What's your last name?" Cody asked.

He couldn't help laughing a little. "What? No 'hello'?" He ruffled Cody's hair. "My last name is the same as yours."

"Can we be Andrews?" Cody asked like it was no big deal.

He felt Shaun's hand on his back, strong and gentle at the same time. "From the mouths of babes..."

He turned to face his man. "Are you asking me to marry you or something?"

Shaun grinned into a quick kiss. "You never know."

_Ohgod. _ "Whatever." He pushed Shaun away playfully and tried to hide how much he loved the innuendo. It was something he had been thinking about more and more since Jeanne's last disastrous visit - and it sucked that they would never have that, because he was sure that Shaun would be an excellent husband.

He held up two small bags and changed the subject. "I brought home dinner."

"I thought I smelled salami!" Shaun grinned wider. "It's the only thing I like about you working."

"It's only part-time and it makes me feel better." He was getting a little tired of the constant whining of his partner. "I'm not yours to take care of."

"I know, I know." Shaun rolled his eyes before he grabbed Zach's hand and pulled him into a bear hug before he buried his face into Zach's neck and nibbled. "But you _**are**_ mine."

"Jesus, Shaun - miss me much today?" He nipped at Shaun's ear before he pulled away to get the subs unpacked.

It wasn't a compromise, even though sometimes it felt that way. No matter how many times Shaun insisted that Zach didn't need to work, he just wasn't comfortable and it got to the point that it made him act like a giant ass so he found a part-time job at the sub shop near CalArts. Life has been busier but much more settled ever since.

Even Shaun couldn't argue with that.

He placed a small, plain cheese sub in front of Cody and split the Italian sub between himself and Shaun. After scooping some macaroni salad and cole slaw on each plate he sat next to his boys and felt the stress of his day melt into comfort.

"How was school today, Codes?" He asked before he took a big bite of meaty sandwich.

Cody answered with a mouth full of macaroni. "Zen let Roger out and it took almost an hour to catch him."

"Roger? The hamster?" He could picture a room full of six year-olds squealing around looking for the small rodent.

"No. The hamster's name is Dude. Roger is the bunny."

Shaun laughed. "Yeah, Babe. How could you forget Roger Rabbit?"

"Riiiiight" He nodded dramatically. "Why did it take an hour to catch a bunny?"

"He hid under the book shelves." Cody said before he took a bite of cheese sandwich.

"Ah." He couldn't stop grinning. "Are you done with your homework?"

"Why can't we be Andrews?" Cody picked up where they left off earlier.

He looked at Shaun hoping to find an easy way to explain it.

"Tell you what, Kiddo." Shaun took over. "For now you and Uncle Zach stick with Stanton and we'll talk about it later. Deal?"

"Promise?" Cody asked skeptically.

"Yep. Promise." Shaun crossed his chest with his fingers. "We'll definitely talk about it later."

"Can we go to the pool?" Cody asked as if they had never talked about becoming a real family.

He realized that to Cody, that's not exactly what they were talking about, but for Zach being a real family with Shaun and Cody was something his brain wouldn't let go of lately. He was still feeling the sting of Shaun's pretend-sort-of-proposal and wondered if Shaun ever thought about it. The thought of Shaun _**not**_ thinking about it caused his eyes to burn. _What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm acting like a fucking teenage girl._

"Go get your suit on and we'll go for an hour." He watched Cody run to his room and called out loud enough for him to hear. "But then it's time for bath and bed - got it?"

He felt Shaun's body pressed against his back before he could finish. "How was your day, Babe?" Shaun's voice tickled the hair on the back of his neck.

He leaned into Shaun's heat and laced their fingers together as Shaun's arms wrapped around him. "Awesome. I got great comments on the sketch I finished last night."

"I knew that little studio would inspire you." Shaun kissed his neck. "Work?"

"Easy day - not too busy and look..." He pulled a square of napkin from his pocket. "I got a number."

Shaun smirked and looked at the napkin Zach held in front of his face. "Stella? Should I be worried?"

"Hardly!" He laughed and spun around to kiss his handsome lover. "The only Stella I'll ever be interested in comes in a bottle."

"So if you've had such a great day, why do you look...pensive?" Shaun asked. His hands had slipped under Zach's shirt.

_Because I want to be an Andrews too._ The way Shaun's fingers skimmed along the skin of his back made Zach want to skip the pool for indoor activities with his hot boyfriend. Then he heard Cody stomping around his room and banished the thought before his dick got on board with the alternative plan. "I guess I'm a little tired...that's all."

"Then why don't you relax and I'll take Codes to the pool." Shaun offered.

He pulled Shaun and planted a grateful kiss on his salami flavored lips. "I haven't seen you guys all day - I want to go too. Besides, I need to fill you in on the plans with Tory."

"Is she coming?" Shaun asked before he stole another kiss.

He loved kissing Shaun. He could kiss this man all day long. When he heard Cody trot past them to get to the door he reluctantly pulled away. "Yeah. I talked to her on the way home. I'll fill you in at the pool." He turned to chase after his nephew with Shaun still holding onto the back of his jeans.

He wasn't sure what had him feeling so completely out of control.

He was angry.

He hadn't been this angry since the last time Jeanne pulled away from him - and her son.

The fact that he had just hung up on her was not lost on him. _What a stupid bitch!_

He played the conversation over and over in his head - trying to make sense of her logic. _Why the fuck would she marry him?_

It wasn't just that his sister married a man who had beaten her to a bloody pulp. But he hates kids. _She married a man who hates kids. Where does that leave Cody? Didn't she even think of her son? Fuck! I hate her!_

It made sense that he was furious with his sister - but the way he felt out of control was something he hadn't yet made sense of - it was more than having a stupid, selfish, self-destructive sister. It was more than knowing that Cody would never be a priority in the world of his fucked up mother. It was more than the residual resentment he felt towards her for using him for so long - for being so willing to allow him to throw away his chance for a future so she would have a backup plan.

The rage swirling inside of him was more than that. It was new and it was consuming him and he couldn't find the origin. When he felt his phone vibrate against his thigh he almost didn't answer because he couldn't stand the thought of hearing Jeanne's voice again. But then his guilt kicked in for hanging up on her so he pulled his phone from his jeans and looked at the screen.

It wasn't Jeanne. "Hey Tory. Are you here?"

Lunch with his ex-girlfriend was both familiar and soothing. He wondered when he would stop feeling so surprised by their comfortable friendship. "You sure you don't mind?"

Tory looked at him with that look he had seen hundreds of times over the years. It said 'don't be an idiot' and always made him smile. "I'm here for a week, Monkey. We'll have lots of time to get sick of each other. You and Shaun deserve a night to yourselves. Cody and I will be fine tonight."

"I'm nervous." He confessed. "What if he thinks it's stupid?"

"Shaun?" She leaned forward. "Are you serious? A guy like Shaun will be all over this kind of shit."

"Thanks, Monkey." Zach grabbed her hand. "Not just for tonight. But for talking me through my crazy thoughts earlier. It made so much sense after you spelled it out for me."

"Of course it makes sense. You are in love with a great guy and he loves you so much. He's great with Cody and he loves that kid as if he were his own. So hearing that your sister married some asshole - just like that - would stir up feelings from the injustice of it all. It's not fair. You and Shaun certainly deserve that way more than Jeanne. So does Cody. It would make me feel a little out of control too, Zach." Tory's voice got louder as she started making herself mad. "Your sister pisses me off!"

"Me too." He laughed at his friend and squeezed her hand. "Me too."

He felt so nervous. He didn't know if he could pull it off. He's never been big on romance - that was Shaun's thing. But after everything they had been through and everything Shaun had done for him and Cody - he really wanted to make a statement. He wanted to show Shaun how special he was and that he made Zach think about forever in a way he never had before.

Tory went with him as he ran around to get everything ready. Then they picked up Cody from school and met up with Shaun at home. Shaun was gracious as usual and welcomed Tory with generous enthusiasm. He had the studio's day bed ready for her and moved his makeshift closet-office around to give her room for her clothes if she needed to hang anything up. All of this only made Zach more sure that he was doing the right thing.

He picked a hotel that faced the ocean. It wasn't a fancy resort, but it wasn't a cheap dive either. He and Tory had set up the balcony so they could eat the dinner he had picked up on the way. Shaun asked what was up, but he wouldn't tell him. It was fun to watch Shaun try to figure it out.

Now he was sitting across from the man who brought color to the pallet of his world and he felt like he would burst from the combination of nerves and happy. Shaun looked good, too. He wore black jeans and a royal blue shirt that was left unbuttoned and loose. The grey shirt he wore underneath was the perfect shade to accentuate both black and blue and tight enough to show off his swimmer's body.

He would usually feel uncomfortable being dressed so casually while his date looked so fucking good, but Shaun told him that the sweater he chose to wear was his favorite and that's all he needed to hear to feel at ease.

He leaned back in his chair and looked across the small table at his lover. "So, how'd I do?"

"Well..." Shaun poured more wine. "...you surprised me for sure."

He took his now full glass from Shaun. "Didn't think I had it in me, did you?"

Shun grinned. "You have a lot more in there, you just ned a little coaxing."

"I realized that it's really hard to plan a special night away in a swanky hotel when we already live in such an awesome condo." He didn't know why he felt so compelled to explain himself. "I hope you like this place."

"Are you serious?" Shaun's reassuring tone kicked in. "We have a view of the moonlight lighting up the waves, we just ate some of the best take out I ever had, we have lots of really amazing wine, and a giant bed with nothing stopping us from getting wild in the sheets. I_** love**_ this place."

"You think I brought you here for wild sex?" He did his best coquettish tease.

Shaun lowered his voice to a growl. "God I hope so."

"Yeah, okay. I _**do**_ plan on making some noise with you." He chuckled. "But first I need to tell you something."

He felt his heart race when Shaun stood and took the wine glass from his hand. He was pulled to his feet and into the arms of a yummy smelling boyfriend who pulled their bodies flush before speaking with a husky voice into his ear. "Can't we talk after we make some noise?"

"Jeannie married Alan."

He felt Shaun freeze and immediately regretted blurting it out so suddenly.

Shaun pulled back to look at him "What?"

"She called me this morning after I took Codes to school. She needed money. Something about Alan and gambling. I wasn't really listening. Anyway, when I asked why I should care what kind of trouble Alan got himself into, she told me they got married and his problems were her problems. Then she said something about me being family and I needed to think about where my priorities are, she kept repeating herself over and over. Fucking bully bitch."

Shaun looked shell shocked and nervous. _Shit, he thinks I'm caving in. _

"What did you say?"

"Nothing." He pulled Shaun close. "I hung up on her."

Shaun's body relaxed in his arms. "Oh."

He hated how just hearing Jeanne's name cause Shaun's usual bright light to dim just a little. He hated that Shaun still felt nervous that one day Jeanne's campaigning would succeed. He never wanted to see that doubt in Shaun's eyes again.

"I was so pissed and couldn't really put my finger on it. It was more than just being pissed at her making the same mistake for the millionth time. I was pissed that she picked Alan over her son - but I was also glad that she did. Confused the hell out of me. Then I talked to Tory and I figured it out."

"What did you figure out?" Shaun's twinkle was back. He played with Zach's hair while he spoke.

He loved when Shaun did that. "It's not fair. We love each other. We love Cody. We take care of each other and we are committed. But _**we **_can't get married?"

Shaun was touching his face now. It felt amazing. "We're okay, Babe."

"Put your right hand in my pocket."

Shaun smirked. "You usually pack to the left."

"Ha Ha." He tried to ignore the fact that hearing Shaun talk about his usual packaging made him hard. "Just do it."

Shaun slipped his hand into the right pocket of his baggy jeans while he flirted with his eyes and teased with his lips - until his fingers reached the bottom. That's when Shaun froze and his eyes went wide. "What..." He watched as Shaun tried to recover his composure. "...these feel a little small to be cock rings."

He loved that he had managed to throw Shaun off his usual cool, collected game. "I don't need a cock ring with you - I can go all night and still have some left for the morning".

_Oh my god...did I just say that?_ He could feel himself blushing.

Shaun looked speechless. And if what he felt against his thigh was any indication, he was also really, really hard.

_I gotta say shit like that more often._

Shaun slowly pulled his closed fist from Zach's pocket. He opened his hand and looked at the contents. He smiled before he looked at Zach with watery eyes. "Babe?"

"I know we can't get married. I just wanted to give you something that made it very clear that if we could, I would be on one knee begging for you to be my husband." _Husband._ He thought it would sound weird, but it didn't. _Sounds so right._

"Matching bands?" Shaun's eye sparkled in the moonlight.

"You don't have to wear it." He suddenly doubted the gesture.

Shaun kissed him before he could go too far down the doubting-trail. "Oh - I'm wearing it. I'm never taking it off. You get what I'm saying, Babe? I'm _**never**_ taking it off."

_I get it. God. _ "I'm glad you feel that way..." _ Here we go._ "...because I'm ready to talk about adopting Codes."

He wasn't sure what to expect Shaun to say, but he didn't expect him to say _**nothing**_. Instead he felt pressed against the balcony while Shaun swallowed his tongue in a deep kiss. He felt a ring being slipped onto the ring-finger of his left hand before he felt familiar hands slipping beneath fabric and pulling belt buckles and zippers and tight briefs that were a little damp from the heat of desire.

By the time they landed on the bed, they were naked and hard and on fire. He tried to make it all night - he really did - but Shaun was doing all the things that made him lose himself in a screaming fit of unbridled, untamed passion. Passion was never really his thing either, until Shaun.

Shaun _**was**_ his passion.

And thinking of he and Shaun committed to Cody like a family. Thinking of the look on Shaun's face when he saw those rings. Knowing that Shaun wanted to be.._.them_...forever. It was the most powerful aphrodisiac and _**that **_was unexpected. He wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that Shaun being so happy about adopting his nephew made him want to fuck him through the floor, but he wasn't going to spend time worrying about it. Because he had a lot of pleasure to deliver to the man beneath him.

"Shaun..." He looked into dark eyes as he pounded into Shaun's body. "...I love you. Always. Love you. God, Baby..." He couldn't get the words to come out of his heart. He couldn't figure out how to beg this man to never, ever leave. He could only speak with his body and hope that Shaun understood.

Shaun's breathless kiss was all the answer he needed.

They woke up early so they could take an extra long shower together before they picked up waffles on the way home.

"I always thought it was just chicks who got all emotional during sex." He said out of nowhere while he gently shampooed Shaun's hair. He loved that he was growing it longer and he made a soapy mohawk just because he could.

Shaun laughed with his eyes closed. His hands were holding onto Zach's hips for balance. "Where did that come from?"

"It's just...I mean...don't laugh..." He felt out of his element, but really needed to say it out loud.

"I won't laugh, Babe." Shaun opened his eyes carefully to avoid getting shampoo in them. "Talk to me."

"It's just that with you, it always feels...I don't know. I feel so connected to you. I feel completely vulnerable and safe all at the same time. It's raw and it's...it always leaves me feeling happy and complete and terrified that when I wake up you'll be gone." He couldn't believe he just said it all out loud. He waited for Shaun's reaction nervously.

Shaun brushed the water from Zach's eyes and smiled sweetly. "I feel exactly the same way."

He let a breath escape that he hadn't realized he had been holding. "Really? God - I thought gay guys were just in it for the sex you know? I never expected it to feel this good."

Shaun laughed that time. "God, Babe. In the last five minutes you've articulated a hell-of-a-lot of stereotypes!"

He couldn't help laughing too. "What can I say - it's the Stanton way."

He felt Shaun's body touching him from head to toe as Shaun pulled him close. "Well, we'll just have to do something about that, won't we?"

With bags full of waffles in hand, they walked into the door of their condo to the sounds of Cody watching Korean cartoons. Tory was just getting out of the shower, still drying her hair with a towel as she walked from the hallway into the great room.

"Hey Code-Man!" Shaun said enthusiastically as the child leapt into his arms. "Did you and Aunt Tory have fun last night?"

Cody nodded his head shyly before he dipped his head beneath Shaun's chin. The sight of it made Zach's throat clench from emotion. He put the waffles on the counter and ruffled Cody's hair. "What'd you do?"

"We watched Cars." He grinned.

"Cars!" Shaun gasped. "You've seen it a million times!"

Cody giggled and shrugged.

"You ready for waffles?"

"I am!" Tory called from the hallway. She walked into the room and ticked Cody. "You got your waffles, Kiddo."

"It's tradition." He explained.

Tory noticed the gold band on Zach's finger. "So he agreed to make an honest man out of you, huh?"

Shaun put Cody down and wrapped his arms around Zach's shoulders before he kissed his neck. "He's actually making a happy man out of me."

Tory sighed. "God, Shaun. It really sucks that you're so gay."

Zach laughed and nudged Tory. "No it doesn't!"

"Well, not for you!" Tory nudged back. "Let's eat - I'm starving."

He looked around his kitchen and felt such a sense of belonging. It nearly ripped him apart from the inside out when he thought about the conversation they would soon have with Jeanne. 

_I hope we're strong enough to survive it._

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Selfish (Part 7)  
Author: Salianne  
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: ~4800  
Summary: Zach and Cody adjust and are almost there when...  
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.  
AN: I wasn't planning on this being more than a one-shot...but...

AN2: Zach's POV.

It was only the third time he had ever been on a plane - which seemed absurd. He looked from his window to his seat mate and wondered if Shaun thought it absurd too.

As if Shaun could read his mind he smiled and grabbed his hand.

"You look nervous." Shaun said as he laced their fingers together in a comforting weave. "It'll all work out."

He couldn't stop the sarcastic chuckle from escaping. "You've met my sister, right?"

Shaun smirked before he raised their linked hands and kissed Zach's fingers. "Trust me, Babe."

He did. He trusted Shaun. He knew this was the right thing to do.

It didn't make it easier.

"I feel bad leaving Cody." That was only part of it. He also felt bad leaving Cody with the impression that this was all going to work out.

When they talked to him about the possibility of being adopted, Cody was beyond enthusiastic. All he wanted, was to be an Andrews. They explained that being an Andrews would mean his Mommy wouldn't be his Mommy anymore. Zach thought his heart would stop beating when he watched his sweet nephew shrug his shoulders and continue to color his Tony the Tiger poster. It was like she didn't even matter in the child's mind.

He knew that was Jeanne's fault.

The fact that she would never know how tragic that moment felt pissed him off.

A gentle squeeze of his hand pulled him from his thoughts.

"Cody's having fun with Zen and Tory will be there on Wednesday and you know how much he adores her, so he's fine."

He tried to lose himself in Shaun's confident gaze, but somewhere in his soul he still felt bad. "Jeanne's his mother..."

"Babe." Shaun cut him off before he could finish.

"I know...but, Shaun..."

"Babe. I'm serious. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

He felt familiar fingers stroking the back of his neck. It was such a calm in his storm.

"What if..." He couldn't get the words out because his lips were consumed by his seat mate.

"Babe..." Shaun's eyes were hard to read. "...hang on a sec."

He watched while his lover stood to dig through the carry-on that was stored in the bin above their seats. When he sat back down he held a folder in one hand. "Here."

"What is it."

"Just look." Shaun smirked.

He opened the folder as gasped. "Shaun?"

"I was going to wait until this was over, but I think now is a better time."

"This is..." He couldn't believe what he was seeing. "...how did you..."

"If you don't want me to use it, I won't. This is just the proof." Shaun explained. "I think it's the perfect cover for the story though."

He could feel his eyes welling and wondered when he had become such a crybaby. "Of course you can use it. I can't believe you would want to though. Shaun..."

"Do you remember the first time you showed this to me?" Shaun asked, his voice gentle and soothing.

"If I remember right, I didn't exactly show you." He would never forget that night.

Shaun smiled at the memory. "You gave up pretty easily."

"Whatever." He nudged his lover.

"You said you drew it one night after Cody was scolded for no apparent reason - that he couldn't sleep in his own room, so he just slept in yours. He never left." Shaun recollected.

"I remember." He touched the image of the book cover for Shaun's new novel. The one he wrote about Cody. The one that would have a cover that graced the image of the sketch that led to their first kiss. "It's the perfect cover for your book. I just can't believe you remembered."

"I'll never forget that night." Shaun wove their fingers together again. "It's the night I let myself fall in love with you."

He couldn't think of a witty comeback for that one.

"Zach." Shaun squeezed his hand. "It's always been you, for Cody. Don't you see that? He never felt safe with her, only you. Why do you think he slept in his own room the first night at the condo? It wasn't because he had a cool room. It was because he knew he was safe in there. Because YOU were there. And she wasn't."

She wasn't. The truth of that was overwhelming. It was something he had thought about but never for too long and never in context of resons-Jeanne-shouldn't-be-Cody's-mother. But Shaun spoke the truth - Cody never felt safe with her. Hell - _**he **_never felt safe with her.

"We should frame this." He looked at Shaun and was rendered a little breathless to see his lover so emotional. He couldn't stop himself from leaning into the touch when Shaun cupped his face and whispered in a shaky voice.

"We should."

He almost threw up twice.

Once on the way to the attorney's office.

Once on the drive from the attorney's office to the restaurant where they ate dinner.

Tried to eat dinner.

As soon as the door of their hotel room closed, he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it across the room.

"I need a shower." He felt like he was covered in his sister's apathy. He knew he wasn't sending off the most attractive signals, but he really just needed to feel clean and to feel Shaun and one would not do without the other. "You coming?" It sounded harsh to his own ears and he resigned himself to a quick shower alone because he himself wouldn't respond to that kind of attitude, so why should he expect anything different from Shaun?

He started the shower, stripped and willed himself to not cry. The day had been more disgusting that he anticipated.

And heartbreaking.

The heartbreak was buried underneath layers of anger and guilt and the sticky residue that comes from participating in the bizarre negotiation for something that should never be up for sale to begin with.

He needed to feel better about all of this. He needed to feel...

Before he could finish the thought he felt hands skim across his shoulders.

_I need this. I need him. Fuck._

He wasn't sure why Shaun's touch made everything better. He wasn't sure why he felt a million times cleaner with Shaun added to the suds and water and steam. He just knew that without Shaun guiding him through the storm of emotions that swirled within him, he would get lost in them.

And he wasn't sure he would ever be found again.

Part of him wondered why he wasn't mad at Shaun, too. They were both there. They were both trying to reason with the unreasonable. They were both word-smithing legal documents while sitting around a polished mahogany conference table in a lawyer's office in Portland. He and Shaun - together - were putting a price on the life of a child. He and Shaun - together - were maneuvering around his flesh and blood to seal the deal on the rest of Cody's life. He and Shaun - together - watched while his sister was manipulated and controlled by a man who only saw this as an opportunity to cash in on the desperation of the three people sitting in the room with him.

Shaun was part of it, too. So it made no sense that it was only through Shaun that he could gain absolution. Absolved of what, exactly? He wasn't clear on that. All he knew is that something about this was all his fault. He caused this...whatever this was. He failed to...to do something...to meet his obligation...to honor commitments made long ago, before he knew what it meant - before he knew he was agreeing to sacrifice everything for people who sacrificed nothing.

Except Cody. It was really about Cody, right? Cody never had a choice. He was dealt a crap hand when he was stuck with a mother like Jeanne. Everything was for him.

If that were true - why did he feel like he had failed?

"She would be so proud of you."

He heard those words spoken softly into the back of his wet neck. Spoken by the voice of truth and honor. It was only then that he understood why Shaun was so important to his cleansing. It was Shaun - only Shaun - who understood the muck that boiled inside of his soul. It was only Shaun who could wade through the lifetime of sludge that washed over him until he felt like he were drowning and it was only Shaun who could find him and pull him free.

He had come to count on this without realizing it.

He leaned into Shaun's body, closed his eyes, and waited for Shaun to find him.

Shaun tighten his slippery hold before he groped through the sludge with his calm voice. "You're doing what you promised. Your Mom would be so proud. You were still a kid when you made those promises, Zach. When most guys were busy chasing tail and smoking weed from beer can bongs you were taking care of your dying mother and easing her fears by making promises that you didn't even know how to keep. But you figured it out and you kept them. I don't know anyone with that kind of strength and integrity. Makes me wonder sometimes if I'm good enough."

"Shut up." He was always thrown by those kinds of confessions. Why would Shaun ever feel less than worthy to be with someone like him. He pulled away just enough to turn around so he could look his lover in the eyes. "I'm the one who's not good enough."

He felt Shaun and warm water touching every speck of him and something about it felt like a decontamination between the then then and the now.

"We just made a deal with Cody's mother. YOU just agreed to give up an obscene amount of money for her to severe all ties with her son." Saying it out loud was hard. "And she fucking AGREED."

"Private adoption works like that, Zach. It's been done a million times in a million different ways for a million different reasons. What we did today was make sure Cody has the kind of life he deserves. We assured that he has a family that loves him and wants him and cares about what he thinks and feels. We made sure that he has everything he needs to become exactly who he is meant to be. We've secured his future in every way possible, Zach. That's what today was about. Nothing more - nothing less."

He heard the words and he knew Shaun was right but that did nothing to sooth the boiling cauldron. He felt like he was teetering on the edge. Shaun's hands were moving along the surface of his skin - calming, long strokes along the curve of his back that ended with gentle combing of fingers through wet hair. He couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't deserve this. He heard a voice screaming in his head and it wasn't his own. "What about her?"

Once those three words escaped his mouth he felt the lid pop off of his emotional pressure cooker and as the boiling darkness exploded from his psyche he felt the coolness of relief flood in to replace it.

Because that was what this was all about - the promises he made were about more than Cody. He was supposed to take care of all of them. He was supposed to make sure his father took his meds and his sister didn't drink too much. He was supposed to keep her from dating men who hit. He was letting her walk away from her son and he was letting her make choices that were undeniably bad for her.

He was letting her down.

"We're not doing this to hurt her. We never said she wasn't part of our lives. This doesn't change much when you think about it, Babe. It just gives Cody more stability."

He knew it was the truth - but it wasn't meshing with the years of programming. He pushed Shaun away because he suddenly felt undeserving in the most extreme sense of the word. "What about her, though. Who's going to give her more stability?" _How can I let myself have this when she's so lost? What makes me better than her? What gives me the right to this kind of happiness?_

"Hey." Shaun pulled him back into a tight hold, but this time he made sure they were looking at each other. "Don't."

"Shaun." He tried to slip out of the arms that were wrapped around his shoulders - pinning him into place and giving him no choice but to wrap his own arms around the slim waist of the man who was forcing him to let go of his sister's baggage.

"No. Zach. I'm serious. Don't." Shaun kissed him until he gave in and kissed back. "Stop letting her in. She's your sister, Zach. You're _**older**_ sister. She should have been the one taking care of YOU - but instead she filled your head with bullshit and took advantage of your love for her son. Cody is lucky to have you and so is Jeanne. She's the one who is making choices, Zach. You're not responsible for that. We will always leave room for her. Always. We will always make sure there is a place for her in Cody's life. She will always be his mother. We will honor that. This isn't about taking anything away from her. This isn't about turning our back on her. This is about giving Cody something better and making sure he only sees the best of her."

"What's going to happen to her?" That was the million dollar question. Without the legal obligation that kept her loosely connected - what would stop her from self-destruction? It was this question that needled him because it made him realize that he - as much as his sister - used Cody as a bargaining chip. It was through Cody that he was given opportunity to give a tiny shred of influence into the irrational world of his sister. After tomorrow - when Jeanne signed away her rights to her child - there was nothing left to hold her to the ground - even if she only held on by a toenail.

"She'll sink or swim, Baby. That's what will happen to her. You'll be there to help pull her out of the water if she needs you. She knows that. You have to let her go, Zach. Let her pass or fail on her own. You can't watch anymore, Babe. It's killing you. Let her go and when she's ready she'll find you."

"I can't just turn my back on her."

"You're not. You're just letting her carry her own load. You're not turning your back on her. She's so lucky to have you." Shaun's voice soothed him.

While he was letting out his boiling emotions, he might as well let them all go. "Alan said we were going to turn Cody into a fag."

"That was random." Shaun smirked a little before he wiped water from his eyes. "Do you think we'll turn Cody into a fag?"

_Of course not._ "No." _Then why can't I get his voice out of my head?_ "Do you?"

"Did I turn you into a fag?" Shaun asked while he poured shampoo into his palm.

"NO!" The question stung. "I always knew there was...something...I mean it was just that you made me realize...it was already there, you know? I just...I mean I grew up being told that...fuck it."

"So Alan's full of shit and doesn't' know what he's talking about." Shaun reinforced what Zach already knew while he started gently massaging shampoo into Zach's hair.

"I'm sorry. I just heard so much...crap. My whole life. You know?" He relaxed under Shaun's touch. "I guess I'm still trying to purge it all. I have no doubts though..." He suddenly needed to clarify. "...about us. About how I feel. I know I'm gay and I love you, Shaun. It's not about that. I just still struggle with all the misconceptions I was raised to believe."

"Was your mom as racist and homophobic as your sister and Dad?" Shaun was rinsing now, being very careful to keep suds out of Zach's eyes.

"No. I never heard her say shit like that." He was starting to feel better - less crazy. "I don't want Cody to grow up with any of that, you know?"

"We'll have more influence in that regard as his legal parents." Shaun assured him while he scrubbed his skin with the hotel's lemon scented body wash.

The last remaining doubt came out in the form of a question. "Are you sure about this? We haven't been together a year yet and you're ready to adopt a child together?"

Shaun's chuckle was not what he expected to hear. "Babe! I've been loving that kid for over 9 months already. I've cleaned up his messes, suffered through his colds, rocked him through his nightmares, and felt the sting of his wrath when he doesn't get his way. You're seriously asking me if I'm sure?"

He felt himself smiling from the absurdity of it. "Yeah. I'm seriously asking."

"Look at me." Shaun demanded. He opened his eyes and looked into the most serious face of his lover. "I think what you really want to know is if I'm sure of this. You and me. I'll tell you the same thing I've been telling you for what feels like forever - I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I want this for the rest of my life, Babe. That I'm sure of. THAT I'll fight for."

That was the thing - he believed him. Shaun would fight for him. Shaun would fight for Cody. "I'll fight too." He didn't mean to say it out loud, but he was glad he did once he saw the way Shaun's face lit up.

Shaun's smacked him on his wet ass playfully. "Of course you will. Now go to bed so I can get myself as clean as I've gotten you. I'll join you in a few."

After a grateful kiss he did exactly as he was told and wondered how it was that Shaun always knew exactly what he needed. Maybe it was that uncanny ability that made him so sure that Shaun was meant to be - THEY were meant to be.

When he felt Shaun crawl between the crisp sheets, he allowed himself to be pulled into a warm tangle of limbs. Shaun nestled his face into the bend of his neck and it felt safe and real and perfect.

"Tomorrow's going to be hard, too." Shaun warned lovingly. His tone said what his words left unspoken. _We're in this together no matter how hard things get._

He shimmied himself a little so he could feel closer to the naked flesh of his lover. "We'll get through it."

"Yes..." He felt the heat from Shaun's relieved sigh float across his collarbone. "...we will."

He was sure that having fantasies about fucking his hot lover in the middle of the _It's a Small World_ ride was inappropriate at best. But that's exactly where his mind was wandering as he floated along with dozens of other families in the antiquated ride that had Cody mesmerized.

Between the two of them, Zach and Shaun had been in this particular ride no less than thirty times. But seeing it through the eyes of Cody made it feel brand new. Something about that caused an emotional lump to build in his throat.

It wasn't the fact that Shaun had planned this little surprise outing that pushed Zach's emotional family moment into pornstar fantasies of he and Shaun grinding against the back of the giant wooden shoe in Holland-land.

It was knowing that this marked the first official Andrews-Family-Outing. Thinking about that made him want to have the first official Mr. and Mr. Andrews-private-time...as private as doing his man pinned against the faux-igloo in the middle the Disneyland's iconic family-friendly ride could be. _I'm going to hell._

The day started out simple enough, they were going to the family court to have the adoption officially sworn by a judge. It was more of a formality than anything else. Once the papers were signed and filed in Portland, things were pretty much legal. It was through some legal maneuverings that Zach didn't even try to understand that they were allowed to have a Los Angeles family court judge do the final ceremonial process of the adoption proceedings.

They also took care of a few other little details while they were at it.

As the new family walked from the court house to the parking lot, Shaun dropped the happy-bomb.

"I think this calls for a honeymoon."

Cody looked just as confused as Zach felt. "What?"

"What's a honeymoon?" Cody asked.

"Well..." Shaun stopped to look at Cody. "...when people get married, they are creating a new family. A honeymoon is what they do after the wedding ceremony to sort of seal the deal. It's like taking the first family vacation to celebrate the new family unit."

Cody just looked confused, but Zach was starting to understand what was happening and he almost cried right in the middle of the parking lot.

"So I think this calls for a honeymoon. We're a new family, we just went through a sort-of-ceremony, so let's go on a little family vacation." Shaun's smile was million-watt and beautiful.

"Where?" Cody was starting to understand and sounded excited.

Shaun grabbed his hand and walked the rest of the way to the car. "It's a surprise."

The ear shattering squeal that came from the backseat was all they needed to hear to know that Shaun made the right choice.

They stayed at the Californialand property for two nights so they could really take in the whole of the park. Every morning Cody ate breakfast with the Disney characters and Zach marveled at how everyone treated them like a real family.

Two dads weren't even a blip on the radar. He was starting to think that the way he was raised was the exception, not the rule.

When Mini-Mouse asked Cody what his name was, Cody answered proudly. "Cody Andrews."

He was finally an Andrews and it seemed to fit him so well. It just made sense. All of it - made sense. He looked across the breakfast table and took in the sight of Shaun. He was watching Cody enjoying waffles with Pluto and he looked so happy and proud. Shaun looked at Cody in a way that he had never seen from Jeanne. It made him swell with that bursting feeling that he had never felt before Shaun kissed him on a lounge chair built for two after he showed Zach what it felt like to be understood completely.

Shaun caught him staring and smiled. "You okay, Mr. Andrews?"

_Wow._ He could feel his whole face heat up from the way it felt to hear those words. "Perfect, Mr. Andrews."

He watched his family from a distance.

He just needed a few minutes to himself to let it all sink in.

Last year at this time, this was a place for him to escape.

He didn't have anything to escape from anymore.

Now, this was a place that held fond memories and hope for a future filled with many more.

This was a place that marked a transition.

The place where he learned how to love himself.

The place he learned to love someone else.

The place he learned to allow someone else to love him.

This is the place where he saw - for the first time - that someone could love Cody as much as he did.

He sat on cool sand and watched love blossom in the brisk morning air.

His family.

Last year that term felt like a noose around his neck. Family meant being stuck and being used and being helpless to change any of it. Family meant never letting himself feel connected - never letting himself acknowledge his truth. Family meant continuing to try to force himself feel more for his best friend than he was capable of feeling - trying to be what he was supposed to be.

Family meant never being happy.

He didn't even know what happy felt like.

In only one year it all changed.

Shaun changed it - for all of them.

Though he knew that if he were to ask Shaun - he would insist that Zach was the one who was responsible for the happiness they all enjoyed now.

Whatever.

He watched with wonder as Cody chase the newest member of the family.

Lester was the weirdest name for a dog, but Cody insisted.

Cody loved that little dog.

He watched as the dog looked over his little shoulder to make sure his friend was still there, and Cody chased him to the edge of the waves before they both stopped and turned while the water chased them both back.

When Cody fell, Lester pounced - licking him all over.

Cody's laughter filled the deserted beach with the happiest sound he had ever heard.

"Babe!" He turned toward the sound of his lover's voice just in time to catch the frisbee. "You planning on sitting there all day?"

"Is that a challenge, Old Man?" He stood when he heard the laughter of his man float through the air. He tossed the frisbee back to Shaun before he trotted onto the beach to join his family.

_My family._

It no longer felt like a noose.

Now, it felt like something he couldn't live without.

When they were planning their first family summer vacation there was no question that they would spend the week here.

This was where it all began for them.

This was the only place that made sense.

The water was still too cold to get in - well, too cold for Cody to get in - so they spent the afternoon practicing board technique on the sand before engaging in a solid game of keep-the-frisbee-away-from-Cody - which soon became keep-the-frisbee-away-from-Lester - until they fell into a pile when the game suddenly became take-the-frisbee-away-from-Shaun. He heard Cody squeal "Daddy!" when Shaun started tickling - and the sound of it cause his breath to catch in his throat.

It was just one more layer of happy.

He wasn't sure when it started. It was startling in a way - how unaffected Cody was by the adoption. After the "honeymoon" life just continued on as if nothing had happened.

It took Zach a few weeks to STOP being affected. He lost count of how many times he said Zach Andrews out loud just to remind himself that it was real.

_Zach Andrews._

Then one day Cody was eating pancakes and he looked at Shaun and said, "Can I have more, Daddy?"

Shaun just said, "Of course, Sport," and plopped another pancake on his plate.

He was stunned to say the least - not only that Cody had just called Shaun Daddy, but that Shaun appeared to be used to it. He asked Shaun later when it had started.

Shaun flipped the calendar back a month and placed his finger on the date that was now marked with a heart surrounding two letters: FD. "Father's Day," is all Shaun said and that was really all that needed to be said.

"Let's head in so we can get ready for fireworks." He held his had out for Shaun and pulled him from the sand and into a comfortable embrace - the kind of gesture shared by two people who found contentment in each other.

Shaun's fingers brushed along his cheek before he kissed him. "Picnic still sound good?"

"Perfect." _Everything about today is perfect. _ He turned to Cody and smiled when he saw the boy grinning up at them. "Let's go, Codes."

"Can Lester go to fireworks too, Dad?"

_Dad. Wow. _ He wasn't sure when that started either. Cody worked it all out on his own. Dad and Daddy. It was amazing. "Lester probably wouldn't like the noise, so let's leave him home tonight.

"Okay." Cody didn't argue. He rarely argued. Cody was a nearly perfect child in so many ways.

He'd like to think that he was a big reason why.

And Shaun of course.

He watched Cody struggle with his board and thought it was adorable. He grabbed the his own board before he took hold of Cody's. "Race ya to the house, Codes."

Cody squealed with delight, Lester barked, and they all ran toward the place where their story began.

Or maybe it was the place where their quest for belonging ended.

And as he watched Shaun run past...

"You're not gonna let some old guy win, are ya?"

...he realized that is was both.

~FIN~

I hope you enjoyed reading this as uch as I enjoyed writing it.


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